Monday, May 05, 2003


a sudden intuitive leap of understanding especially through an ordinary but striking occurrence.

i'm a back-row girl. unless it's a concert of my favorite band, i'm most comfortable in the back row. there are more distractions there. life is more interesting in the back row. and that's precisely where i had my first epiphany. i was sitting in the back corner at church on a sunday morning. many times mothers of babies or young children sat in our corner. i'd been restless on the inisde for several weeks. uneasy. fidgety and tired. i have no idea what the sermon was about...God was speaking directly to me...and it wasn't through the pastor. a mother was holding her baby. trying her best to keep him quiet. but he was restless. uneasy. fidgety and tired. she cradled him in her arms. she rocked him back and forth. she tried so hard to comfort him and it was like he was fighting against it. as an adult, looking at the interaction between parent and child, i thought to myself, "oh, you're so tired and your mama is trying so hard to comfort you. just lay your head on her shoulder. stop fighting. she's safe. rest in her love." and God said to me, "exactly."

"throw away the lights, the definitions and say of what you see in the dark"

there's something here about who a person REALLY is, in their soul. because that's where there are no lights, and the only definitions are the ones that other people see. maybe that's why we try so hard to explain ourselves - to be understood - because we want to be reassured that who we are perceived to be is who we really are. who am i really? who do i see in the dark? maybe there's something here too about not seeing. about loss of sight. about using our other senses, like listening, to be the autohrs of be the tools with which we record what we do not see, but come to know of a person. i want to be defined by the sound of my voice, the depth of my laughter, the taste of my tears, the smell of my skin, the warmth of my embrace, the gentleness of my touch, the passion in my voice.... don't tell me who i am when you look at me, tell me instead who i am after you've experienced me. when my soul has touched your soul, then you can say you know me. and knowing is growing. you can't read me once and claim to know me. rather, stick with me and re-read me. grow with me through change, and then you can say you know me. i ask you to see me, not with your eyes, and i will do the same for you.

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