just write . . .

Brave on the Rocks

2011-06-30T23:18:00.004-04:00

Several years ago I read Brave on the Rocks by Sabrina Ward Harrison.

I like the title.

Bravery, like a good drink, on the rocks...

And as much as I like my margaritas, no salt, on the rocks, I got it all wrong.

When Sabrina was a little girl, she was following her daddy, walking barefoot in his footsteps. He got to a rocky stretch of the path and she didn't want to follow him any more. He told her that she had to be brave on the rocks.

I remember following in my daddy's footsteps more than once as a little girl. In the summer time, I often walked barefoot. It got easier as the summer went on. And the rocks became less painful. I started the summer with soft feet, and when i walked barefoot in gravel, it hurt. Or if I walked across hot pavement, it burned and I would run to get to the other side. As the bottom of my feet felt pain, the pain developed callouses. As the callouses became thicker, the rocks were less painful, and the pavement didn't feel quite so hot.

I walked gently at the beginning of the summer, but by the end of summer, when my feet had developed thick, protective callouses, I would run without looking down first. The rocks were still there, but I no longer felt the pain.

This realization changed my outlook at the beginning of the summer. When I approached the rocks, I knew they would hurt. But if I avoided them, then my callouses would never become thick and tough and able to withstand the careless freedom of running barefoot. I spent the first few weeks of summer approaching the rocks with the purpose of enduring the pain to toughen up my feet. I didn't avoid them. I welcomed them, because I knew they were a means to an end.

In today's world, the word callous is not considered a positive thing. As an adjective, it is defined as insensitive, indifferent, or unsympathetic. As a noun, people go to the salon to have their callouses removed so they will have soft, supple feet.

But to me, as a young girl, building callouses were essential to enjoying the freedom of being barefoot in summer. I think that callouses are a good thing. It takes pain to build them. It takes endurance, and persistence. They don't look pretty, but they are protective. And their protection provides a freedom that you cannot get any other way.

If you want to run barefoot, you have to build callouses. Because when you have callouses, you can be brave on the rocks.

no apologies

2011-06-21T12:50:00.004-04:00

my little blog is out in the world, very small and insignificant compared to many blogs that are out there these days. but that is just fine with me. most of my writing has been on paper this year.

i've neglected my blog these past several months. i have no apologies for that. no sense feeling badly about myself because i haven't written to you, whoever you may be that is reading this. because it is mine, to do with as i please. it's not for you anyway. i do this for me.

summer is here, with all of its humidity and heat and gnats and bees. with sunshine and thunderstorms and tomato plants and lima beans. with flowers and weeds and grass, always growing. with still air, and swing sets and hammocks and lounge chairs.

i enjoy looking out my kitchen window, while i am doing dishes, and seeing how our garden is growing taller and taller each day. i can see the fruit trees along the back fence, and it looks very promising that we will have a fairly large harvest of apples and pears. we have blueberry bushes, planted last year, that are giving off fruit, just a few berries ripening at a time. they will continue to grow bigger and stronger, and one year, not far away, we will have enough blueberries to make a pie. right now we just keep eating them as they ripen.

we have some little jalapeno plants that don't look sturdy enough to grow peppers, but they are still standing straight and tall and trying to grow strong. we have muskmelon and watermelon plants that have not been growing long, but are already starting to spread out as if to say, "the largest part of the garden belongs to us." we have given them plenty of room to grow big.

all of the growing in our yard happens because of sun, AND rain. both are necessary for growth. and yes, i'm going to go there. i'm going to make one more comparison to sun and rain, and good and bad, being necessary for growth.

there has been a lot of growing inside our home this year. there have been challenges that we didn't forsee. difficult things that have hit us square in the chest and took the wind out of us as they knocked us to the ground. pain, and sorrow, and loss. human-ness, in many kind and loving ways, but sometimes in fallen, hurtful ways. frustration and feelings of being overwhelmed. desires lost, and trust betrayed.

don't we all experience these things? every one of us. no matter what your home is like, these things are the dark side of life. and if you are alive, then you experience these things. sometimes they come in short punches. sometimes they come in waves. and sometimes they are a steamroller, flattening us out...leaving us wondering if we will ever be filled with life again.

and slowly...life comes back into us. there is still pain as a result of the trauma, but over time, that too will fade. (or at least they have good drugs that help it not be so severe!) when i am overwhelmed, my reactions and responses are very unpredictable. sometimes i cry and for reasons i cannot explain, that often helps. sometimes i pull away - into quietness and solitude. sometimes i scream and yell and swear - LOUDLY.

i don't know how these experiences are helping me grow. sometimes it becomes clear after a few days or months. sometimes years. sometimes never. i think that often, the growth is not directly correlated to the situation. pain does not teach me to appreciate the pain-free days, but rather it teaches me to humbly depend on others and ask for help when i need it. i don't know if i am expressing it right, but i think that our growing times are meant to bring us closer to the people in our lives, not closer to understanding ourselves. we need other people. we weren't meant to do life alone.

the good sometimes seems to happen less frequently. i think it just seems that way because the hard things can be all-consuming. but the good is still there, even in the midst. sometimes it's just not as loud. and often, when we are in the midst of a good spell, when the good seems to be lasting longer than normal, we are just waiting for the bad to drop and spill itself on us. and this fear can keep us from enjoying all that the good is.

i know i have not been specific. i've been talking in generalities. so here is something specific. God promises that He is Goodness. He is Love. He is Peace. He is Refuge. He is Healing. for every bad that exists, God, in His very being, is the opposite. He is not forceful, therefore He is often overlooked. but that doesn't mean that He is not right there with us in the midst of the bad. this is Truth. it is the Truth that i hold onto when the world seems to be suffocating me. and if i turn to Him, he will continue to breathe life into me, even when i cannot breathe on my own.

He is Abba, who loves his children. and I am one of His children.

stars

2011-01-14T17:51:00.003-05:00

"that's another thing. we all have to look at the stars more often" says lorelai gilmore as she, sookie, jackson, and michel are lying on a blanket, sleeping with the zucchini.

henry van dyke said, "be glad of life because it gives you the chance to work and to play and to love and to look at the stars."

"can you tell my step-mom likes stars?" nathan asked dodger the first time he came over to visit. then two thirteen year-old boys stood in the living room and counted all the stars. there are a lot. without even getting out of my comfy chair, i can see fifteen.

about thirteen years ago i started noticing the shape of stars. i have no idea why i was drawn to them. i remember making christmas cards that year with water-colored stars on them and wondering how long my affinity would last. i was aware than this was a phase, and like many others, it would pass. thirteen years, and a star tattoo on my foot later, i am willing to admit that i have more than an affinity for stars.

i still have no idea why...

remembering

2010-10-12T17:12:00.002-04:00

it is autumn in virginia. the days are getting shorter. the nights are getting cooler. the air often smells of burning wood. apples are in season, in several varieties, just begging to be crunched into or made into pie or fruit butter.

the leaves will be changing colors soon, showing off their photosynthetic magic, as they change from shades of green to yellow, orange, and red before turning brown and letting go of the branches they presently clothe.

this is when the light, summer, cotton covers get stored away for winter, and the thick, fluffy down comforters come out of storage to adorn the bed. our kitties like the down comforter. all four of them were curled up on it yesterday, doing what kitties do - sleeping and dreaming. in the early hours of morning, when daylight was just breaking, the kitties started parading up and down my sleeping self like i was a runway or something. now i know why they call it a "cat walk"! of course, this is their most effective way of letting me know that the food bowl is empty and will i please come fill it, NOW!

earlier this afternoon i was preparing marinade for chicken bulgogi so we could have korean food for dinner. as i was chopping the fresh ginger, i was overcome by a longing for african chai tea. i haven't made it in about two years, and i'm not sure why i don't make it more often. i heated milk and water on the stove, poured in loose tea, and plopped in a few slices of fresh ginger. i heated it through until it was steaming, and strained it through a sieve. i usually think of hot spiced cider as the appropriate warm beverage for autumn, but i think this year it is going to be african chai. i am fondly remembering my time spent over there, the friends i made, and the love that was shown to me. isn't it great how smells and tastes can transport you to another time and another place?

i do not welcome winter, with its bare branches and cold winds like i welcome autumn. i will purpose to enjoy this present season, without acknowledging that it leads to the next. i will enjoy autumn as long as it chooses to stay. and when winter comes, i'll dream of spring...

newborn

2010-08-07T01:19:00.003-04:00

it was about 6:30 in the morning. the trailer was small in a cozy way. he was about to leave for work but there was one thing he had to do before he left. it was hard leaving for the day, leaving two at home in the cozy trailer. he walked over to the bassinet and peeked in. she was pink, and little, and sleeping. he almost hated to wake her, but it was seeing her little, sleeping body wake up and s t r e t c h that put a smile on his face. his baby girl. he kissed his beautiful wife and headed off to the base.

itching

2010-07-21T04:05:00.003-04:00

it is the middle of the night and i am up because i cannot stop itching. my face. my arms. my shoulders. my belly button. i chase it around and just when i think i've gotten it, it jumps to a new or old spot and itches there.

annoying is one word to describe it. frustrating is another. stupid works too. the itching is a side effect of the pain medicine that i am taking, quite regularly, for my back. it used to be that for every pain pill i took, i added a benadryl too. that has worked nicely for several years. maybe it is just that i have taken so many pain pills so frequently over the past several weeks, that the benadryl has decided that it is no longer going to do its job. kindof like my back.

so, thank goodness for google at 3am when you are itching and for 24-hour walmarts. luckily, i did not have to venture out to walmart, or ask my step-son to venture out for me, as i found a medicine in my basket that can ALSO be used as an antihistamine, therefore quelling the itching sensation that was jumping all over my body. but it's nice to know walmart is there if i had needed it.

so i decided to give the medicine a chance to work before i climbed back in bed to nod off to dreamland, which has been very action-packed recently. last night the pilot stopped the plane at the bank so i could make a deposit, and then the pilot wandered off and we could not find him. i have no idea where we were flying too, just memories of looking and looking and looking for him so we could get on with our trip already. who knows what tonight's dreamland adventure holds...

i think it is time to go find out...

Calondra Mirembe Stickley

2010-06-16T22:43:00.026-04:00

On Saturday, June 5, 2010, I betrothed my unending love to my dear Robert and became his wife! What a happy, joyous, peaceful day!

For several months I enjoyed thinking and dreaming and planning. Then we started putting those thoughts and dreams and plans into motion. It started feeling "real" to me the day after Christmas when we went shopping for bargains. We found long strings of little white lights for 50% off. We found tissue paper (for the "poofs") in white and blue with sparkles for 50% off. And then we decided to go to Ikea and they were having a one-day sale on champagne flutes - 25¢ each. But there was a caveat - limit 6 per household. So we could buy a total of 12. Hmmm, not quite enough. We talked to a manager and told her we were getting married and would she sell us 100? Please, please, please? Well, she must have been feeling the Christmas spirit, because she said "yes, as long as you don't try to return them." So we loaded them up!

I had decided that I wanted hydrangeas to be my flowers, so I went with periwinkle as the color for the wedding. My friend Debbie scoured her neighborhood for hydrangeas in bloom, and bravely knocked on the doors of stranger's houses to ask if we could buy (or if they would be willing to donate) their flowers. They all graciously donated these lovely blooms, in every perfect shade of lavender, periwinkle, and light blue! I found taffeta on the $1.00/yard table at Wal-Mart and bought all 4 yards to use to make table runners. I found dresses for my bridesmaids at JCPenney.com on clearance for $24.99 and they were perfect! And I found a beautiful dress that made me feel like a princess and had a big, poofy, tulle skirt.

The dress. The dress. It became time to order the dress. And I decided, since I had wanted to since I was young, to make my wedding gown. I based it off the dress I found, but was able to make several "tweaks" so that it was Perfect For Me. I drove to Karen's (my Maid of Honor) in Suffolk, VA to get her help with the fitting, since she too is a master seamstress. We made the entire dress in 2 1/2 days! Cotton lined and lightweight, perfect for an outdoor evening wedding in June!

The invitations were designed and assembled by me and I had such fun doing them! One of the funnest parts was finding the font. We chose one called Love Light and it has little hearts in the capital letters. Of course, they were periwinkle with hydrangeas. We "closed" the invitations with a wax stamp with two hearts (which was Robert's idea, and a great one!).

I had an image in my head of an ambiance that I wanted to create for the wedding and reception. We rented a farm and it was the perfect setting. It was only about 3 miles from our home, so it was extremely convenient. We were able to drop things off in the kitchen throughout the week before the wedding. The venue included a gorgeous, rustic, red barn as a backdrop. We had a pavilion for dancing and a kitchen right next to the pavilion for preparing food. The big, big, tree (I don't know what kind) had two tire swings and provided the perfect amount of shade for the ceremony. My Robert strung lights from the pavilion to the tree and we hung tissue paper poofs from the lights. Long tables were set up, end to end, in three rows with hydrangea centerpieces and lots of tea lights. It all turned out exactly the way I hoped it would!

The night before the ceremony we had everyone who was in town over to the farmhouse for fried chicken and fixin's. We figured that we didn't need a rehersal - how hard could it be to walk down the aisle? :) After the dinner, and after the men left for the night, us girls changed into our jammies and sang along to "Mamma Mia" while we made the tissue paper poofs that hung from the strings of lights. We awoke to the sounds and smells of Robert cooking breakfast for the ladies in the kitchen! He got us started off right with sausage and eggs, and Tara brought my favorite pumpkin muffins!

Becky treated me to a manicure and pedicure, which was a treat and let me feel like a princess! I was amazed at how relaxed I was throughout the day, but I had such a great team of friends and family that jumped right in and made my dream wedding a reality. They worked hard all day, and even into the night, cleaning and packing up. To all of you - THANK YOU for everything you did for us! Your love is amazing and we appreciate it so much!

My pastor from Northern Virginia, Ed Allen, came down with his wife, Diane, and he conducted our ceremony for us. We set up the chairs under the big tree with the tire swings, and in addition to providing shade and a breeze, the branches dipped low and framed the barn and mountains in the distance providing the perfect backdrop. I didn't mean to sing to Robert. Okay, at one time I meant to sing to him, but I chickened out and told the dj to play the version of the song with the lyrics. But he played the wrong one. So when the first verse didn't start, I realized what happened and, well, decided that I guess I was supposed to sing to him anyway. So I reached into my bra, where I had the lyrics on a sheet of paper. Everyone laughed! Ed asked if I had anything else down there...! So I sang "Keeper of the Stars" to my dear Robert. And Ed pronounced us husband and wife, and we kissed!

The chocolate fountains dripped dark chocolate and were complemented by various scrumptious dippers - pound cake, pretzels, marshmallows, toasted coconut marshmallows, strawberries, bananas, and cheesecake! Yes, we served dessert first, as our friends indulged while we were having our photographs taken. There were no complaints!

We decided to go with an Italian buffet for the dinner. Sharp Shopper (our favorite "overstock" grocery store) hooked us up with fantastic bargains on Zesty Sausage Pomodoro and Fettuccine Carbonara. Add salad, seasoned green beans, and bread sticks and that's a yummy meal! Would you believe me if I told you that the lettuce was the most expensive part of the meal? Now you know why Sharp Shopper is our favorite! Deals galore!

We honored Nikki and Karen and their birthdays before we cut our cake, as we brought out a birthday cake and sang to them! Surprise! My cousin Crystal made our wedding cake and it too, turned out just as I had hoped! We froze the top tier and then vacuum sealed it to keep it for our first anniversary. We've thought about breaking into it already, because that was the Best Cake Ever!!! The layers were devil's food and lemon poppyseed, with white buttercream frosting, and perfect hydrangea blossoms "falling" down the tiers with a big bow on top! Yes, he smashed it into my face and then he presented the kindest, most loving toast that I've ever heard! (I freaking love you, honey!)

It was truly the happiest day of my life, becoming Robert's wife. We laughed, ate, and danced under the lights into the night. Then we headed off, for our first night as husband and wife, to a little cabin in Love, Virginia...

i said yes

2009-08-12T12:39:00.005-04:00

robert came home from work early on monday. he said he had some ideas, and i am always interested in his ideas, so i was listening closely. he started with, "well, first we would get married." and i honestly didn't pause because we have been talking about getting married. he paused, then he said, "i am officially asking, will you marry me?" big smile! ring on finger! and of course, i said, "yes!"

where to begin?

2009-06-24T18:41:00.007-04:00

in reality, there is no beginning. we're somewhere in the middle by now. but since it's been a while since i've written, i thought i'd share some randomness of life with ya'll...

you may or may not know that my robert lives just over an hour northwest of me. it's a lovely drive, with some highway, but mostly meandering roads. one of them follows a stream and there's a spot with a big boulder that just calls to me every time i drive by, saying something like, "stop. sit. listen to the sounds. soak up some sun. come and be. the view here is delicious...". i've not made time to stop, but i will purpose to do so in the near future. another of the roads winds past wineries (and even a brewery), through the valley, past lush, green fields, and quaint communities. and yet another road has inviting shops, where, if you were on holiday, you would certainly stop and browse all of the gifts and novelties. this road climbs up, up, up the side of the mountain, peaking where the blue ridge parkway meets the skyline drive. you can see down into the valley below and the view is magnificent! of course, being near the top of the mountain, very often you will find small wisps of clouds nestled in the folds of the hillside, and the sight gives off an ethereal feel and i find myself realizing that i live in a beautiful part of this world.

a couple of weekends ago, robert and i meandered through some of the local roads, and stopped at a couple of wineries and tasted the fare. one of the wineries makes something called "meads" which are honey wines, and berry wines. wikipedia describes meads' origins as "being lost in prehistory", they've been around so long. but they were new to me, and there were some delightful aromas and flavors. stop by hilltop berry farm and winery in nellysford, va if you get the chance, and sample some for yourself!

my nieces have been to visit recently. this is always a crazy-fun time with the house being full, and often lots of commotion. they are a delight to be around, and they have taken to robert, dubbing him "sir dude" as he is uber-cool. he calls them his shining stars, and indeed, they do shine into our lives.

last night (or rather, the wee hours of this morning) were spent in a new-for-me adventure that i do not recommend. on the trip back from charlotte, norman and i hit a deer. poor deer. at least it died quickly. neither of us were injured, though the car is quite injured, and probably will be announced "dead on arrival" once the insurance adjustor gets a peek at it. time to start looking into those whistling, silent-to-humans, deer-avoider-thingies since the driving is a daily occurrance, and the deer seem to be increasing in number. don't want the same thing to happen to the next car!

the big "holland family reunion" is fast approaching, and robert, his sons, norman, his daughters, and i are planning to drive southbound until we reach southern mississippi for the festivities. there will be nine of us traveling in two vehicles. i'm really looking forward to seeing cousins and aunts and uncles and catching up with everyone, and showing off my dear robert!

so, here we are, right smack dab in the middle...
thanks for stopping by...

rant

2009-05-30T03:15:00.005-04:00

(now you've been warned)

now that i am driving for a living, approximately 470 miles per day, i've become quite opinionated about driving and other drivers, especially the stupid ones. and yes, i know i'm not supposed to call them stupid, but they are stupid idiots. and i had my fill of them tonight.

maybe it has something to do with friday nights, i'm really not sure. last friday night as i was traveling northbound in one of my 3 northbound lanes, with a very large median separating me from the southbound lanes, i encountered two vehicles coming right at me in the far left lane. of course i moved over to the right, but there they were, cruising down the wrong side of the highway. how do you even get on a highway backwards? you'd actually have to get on at an exit ramp. like i said, stupid. but even worse, dangerous.

so tonight i encountered some very cautious drivers as i started my return trip from charlotte, n.c. back to lynchburg. the cautious drivers had their hazard lights flashing. i saw seven vehicles with hazards on in a period of about 30 minutes. to me, that seemed like a lot. but at least they were being cautious.

onward north we approached greensboro and there were bright orange lighted highway signs that are used to communcate vital information to drivers. the first two signs said:
I85BU NB
140BU NB
CLOSED

and as i was approaching my exit quickly, trying to make out what the letters stood for, i realized that my exit, from a major interstate highway to another major interstate highway, was completely closed. blocked off. orange cones and blue flashing lights abounded. nope, there was no accident. just major highways closed on a friday night. i never was able to figure out exactly what that sign meant other than "major roads closed ahead" which would have been much easier to understand.

so with a bit of frustration i exited where i was forced to with detour signs posted all the way up the exit only to disappear as soon as we were on the next road. okay, now i've been detoured and i have NO IDEA how to get where i want to go. i stopped at the first gas station, with, no lie, 8 other cars, to get directions. the guy with the mop was very patient helping us one by one.

as i followed his recommended route i found myself behind two tractor-trailers and thought this was likely a very good sign, as they were likely trying to get back on the highway as well. i was happy to follow them. until they slowed down. way down. and in the middle of a two-lane road. and then i saw it. an overpass. a Low overpass. and as the first truck inched under the overpass, the sign which posted the maximum height requirements scraped against the top of his trailer. at this point, all i could think was "stop the insanity!"

luckily, there was enough room for my car and a few behind me to squeeze by the stuck truck and get on our merry ways. if i was the truck driver, i would have been cussing way more than i already was. i wonder if they are still stuck?

back on 29 north, i knew i was going to be later than usual arriving home, but at least i was once again, homeward bound.

but is my driving adventure over? Nooooooo.

crossing the state line into Virginia requires a relatively sharp turn in the road requiring a safe driver to slow down from 60mph to 45mph. i slowed down and as i rounded the corner i noticed a stopped vehicle in the left lane. i slowed down even more. then i noticed a spun-out vehicle in the ditch of the shoulder facing the wrong direction. and then, i glanced to make sure i didn't hit any one of the 6-8 men standing out in the left lane. we don't need another accident, right? so what does the pickup in front of me do? he Slams on His Brakes so he can get a better look at the situation! there is no one in front of him and he is already past the "incident" but had to crane his neck back to get a better look. i bet his neck stopped craning at stopped traffic when he heard my tires squeal behind him as i had to hit my brakes and swerve into the opposite median to avoid hitting him. i laid on my horn. he s-l-o-w-l-y starts creeping forward again. at this point, i'd just had it altogether with stupid idiots who are allowed out to drive on major interstate highways on friday nights.

seriously!!!

and an hour and a half later, i pulled into my peaceful driveway and opened my car door. i was greeted by the most pungently sweet smell of honeysuckles that i have ever experienced. all i could do was breathe in the night air, intoxicatingly sweet. after all, this IS mirembe hollow, and at the end of a long day, i have returned to my peaceful home.

low 56, high 93

2009-04-25T12:22:00.004-04:00

last night i decided that the forecast temperature was conducive to sleeping outside. so when i was ready for bed, instead of going to my bedroom, i went out to my back porch and crawled in bed. my back porch is screened, with lights strung around the perimeter, and wispy curtains that blow in the wind, and stars and windchimes hung from the ceiling. it's the perfect extra room. the daybed has a down comforter and a very warm quilt and lots and lots of pillows.

so i crawled into bed and realized that i didn't need quite so many covers. i laid the quilt off to the side and snuggled in. it didn't get nearly as cold as i anticipated. i don't think it even got down to the 50s to be honest. it was divine! i woke up to birds chirping and the sun in my face. i rolled over and went back to sleep. i slept so good!

the forecast high today is 93 degrees. it's already 84, so i think it will make it. the sun is shiny and warm and the sound of lawnmowers can be heard all up and down the street. gardeners are gardening. which gives me an idea...maybe i will put my little seedlings outside today, on this warm spring day, and give them the joy of sunshine directly on their stems and leaves, not filtered through the window pane.

norm is getting stronger every day and feeling almost back to normal. he's rested this week. he's been a good patient. thanks for all of your prayers on his behalf!

i'm fighting an inner ear infection. i went to the dr. on thursday, after a very painful night on wednesday. he put me on antibiotics and i had expected to be feeling significantly better by now, but the ear is still clogged and the constant ringing is beginning to wear on me. nevermind the congestion in my chest. at least the pain has decreased significantly! i was encouraged to call the dr. to let him know that i'm still feeling pretty bad after 2 days on antibiotics, as he may need to change the medicine. so i've got a call in...we will see what they decide...

it's the first beautiful weekend day of the spring and i think that being outdoors today is a good idea, so i think i'll got poke around my yard and i might even take a drive up to the parkway. why not, right?

so if you find yourself in my neck of the woods, let me know and i'll make up the back porch bed just for you!

unexpected

2009-04-18T20:54:00.011-04:00

it seems that i've gotten into a bit of a routine with my days and weeks. i assumed that this one would be similar to the last one, or ones. that i would wake up and go about my day or week the same way that i have been.

thursday morning i woke up and had coffee and sat down to check my email. there was a note from my brother norman saying that he had gone out for a walk (he's staying with me for a bit). it was the first sunny day in about a week, and warm and spring-y and a perfect day to be outdoors. he was gone longer than usual but i didn't think twice about it.

then i got a phone call, and the day was not routine or ordinary or similar to the previous ones. my brother was in the hospital and he had had a heart attack. my stomach came up to my throat and i kicked into "crisis" mode. i'm very efficient in crisis mode. very non-emotional in crisis mode. so i made necessary calls and headed over to the hospital. he's pulled through amazingly! the ambulance got him to the hospital quickly, and he bypassed the emergency room to go straight to the cath lab where they put a stint in an artery and opened up the blood flow to the blocked chamber of his heart.

i'm glad my brother is going to be okay. that he is healing well. that i could be here for him to help him through this. he's my family, and i'm fortunate to have grown up in such a family as ours.

three p's

2009-04-07T11:16:00.005-04:00

the annoying one,
the one that makes me giggle
and the one i'm most thankful for

#1 - pinkeye. this is very annoying. two weeks ago i woke up with my eyes crusted shut and when i got them uncrusted, they were as pink as could be. i began immediately putting antibiotic salve in them. of course you probably all know the extreme vigilance required to NOT spread this annoyance to other members of your household, and i washed my hands more times than i could count, used hand sanitizer in the car any time i even touched my face, and started lysol-ing just about every surface i may or may not have touched. i washed all my bedding in hot hot water. and my vigilance paid off - three days, and my eyes were both white again, with no drips and no crust. yea!

and then...

i woke up sunday morning with my left eye crusted shut. what in the world? where did this come from? now understand, my four nieces are visiting for spring break, and norman is staying with me too, and none of them have gotten the slightest hint of this mess. so my hand-washing, hand-sanitizing, lysoling craziness is paying off for them, but for me, my hands are as dry as the desert floor and this morning, the goo had spread to the right eye, so here i am, both eyes pink and all that mess. i think i have to go to the doctor because my ointment does Not seem to be working. hmph.

#2 - pig poop. i have this adorable little porch pig on my front porch. he's concrete and very heavy, but he's my guard-pig of sorts and i adore him. well, a couple of weekends ago robert said something about chicken manure and i informed him that chickens don't make manure, they make poop. its not manure unless, well, You Know. and chickens don't make manure. this of course led to a discussion of other animals and whether they make manure or poop. nevermind that this conversation happened in the car, with robert's 12-year old son in the back seat who could not contain his laughter at the absurdity of the conversation. so we agreed that pigs make poop, and that it is more fun to say because of the alliteration. so when robert was making my beautiful new flower bed out front, he fashioned a small, oval shaped piece of mud and placed in at the pig's posterior. now, i have a weather pig. if you can see the "poop", there is light outside. if you cannot see the "poop" it is nighttime. if the "poop" is wet, it is or has been raining. if the "poop" is dry, it is not raining. if the "poop" moves, it is very, very windy. now you know.

#3 - peace. i've named my home "miremebe hollow". miremebe is my ugandan name and it means peace. so my home, my place, is "peaceful hollow". this week my nieces are all visiting (it's their spring break), and even with a house full of six, there is such an amazing sense of peace here. this weekend, keith's family came to visit as well and robert was here on sunday and it was such a great time of having my family all together here. when i moved here, i had always intended to put a day bed out on my back, screened porch, and that happened this weekend! it's so amazing sitting out there and listening to the sounds of outdoors. it's a great place for napping, and i even spent half of one night sleeping out there!!! it's my new favorite place.

come for a visit and experience it yourself. i'll make sure the pinkeye is gone when you come!

sunday morning

2009-04-05T12:38:00.020-04:00

and a recap of the texas trip

my house is quiet, my coffee is hot, and the sun is shining! what a great way to start the day!

i'm still wanting to capture moments from my trip last month with robert here on my blog. it would have been easier if i had done it along the way, as i intended, but i was just enjoying other people too much to sit down with my computer and compute. so...still wanting to capture those moments, here goes!

we left sunday night, feb. 22 and drove south to charlotte, nc where we stayed overnight with my dear friend linda. this is the same linda that i visited in august, intending to stay one overnight and staying a week instead! her reaction, when she saw robert, was how much he resembled keith. of course i think they look nothing alike, but they have similar personalities and qualities, so no wonder i adore him! it was difficult to leave to continue our trip south, but we did, with the comfort that charlotte is close enough that we can make weekend visits any time we want!

monday took us through several states, and we ended up in southern mississippi at grandma's house. grandma has been gone for just over a year now, but it will always be her house...the one place from my childhood that i visit again and again. i have so many memories there of playing with cousins on the property, running back to see the pond, riding bikes, climbing trees, eating watermelon and sitting on the front porch, the cousins all in a row, seeing who could spit their seeds the farthest! there used to be a horse in one of the pastures and we fed her sugar cubes (we never rode her, not sure why). grandma always hung the clothes out on the line to dry. and being a city girl, it was my first exposure to burning the trash in a big barrel out back. i remember making homemade ice cream on the porch, with little ones taking a turn sitting on the top as the ice cream got thicker so it would be easier to crank. and older cousins setting off bottle rockets at the end of the sidewalk around the 4th of july. i remember when hurricane frederick came through in the late 70s/early 80s and the Big Tree in the front yard went down - across the street instead of across the house - thankfully! i don't remember when they paved the road (it was a dirt road in most of my memories). i was told that grandpa used to make cane syrup, and for a while i think there were brick remnants of where they used to do that, but i didn't see them this time. i remember grandpa's old truck that my daddy drove for a while when we lived in florida, and he let us ride in the back. it's still there, not good for riding in, but good for taking pictures of! i remember the living room filled, almost wall to wall, with cousins sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags, while the grown ups got the beds in the bedrooms. i remember grits and biscuits - grandma always had yellow grits, and i think they were from the neighbors gristmill at the end of the road. and her biscuits...nothing in the world like them! maybe it was just because of the love she put into them when she made them for us! i could remember for hours, and i'm looking forward to doing just that when i go to the Big family reunion this summer! i was glad that i got to share this special place with robert, and i'm even more glad that his is planning to come with me to the reunion!

uncle danny introduced robert to chorizo for breakfast, with eggs and hot tortillas, which is his specialty. after some target practice out back (i'm a better shot than robert!), we had a short drive to new orleans, where we decided to spend the night since it was mardi gras, fat tuesday, and if you're there, you might as well experience it, right!? we found a reasonable room at a quaint little hotel right in the heart of the french quarter and called it home for the night. the parades and festivities blocked many of the roads most of the day, so it certainly was an exercise in patience and determination to actually Get to our hotel! but once there, we headed over to bourbon street. what a crazy place! we started collecting beads (and a feather boa) and walked through the crowd, watching the costumes and people. we drank, we danced, we laughed, we kissed. robert won a couple free t-shirts and a silly jagermeister hat in a contest! i got my face painted and glittered. and we headed back early and called it a night.

of course we started our morning with a short walk down to cafe du monde for coffee and beignets, which were fabulous! we popped into a couple of shops, took a few pictures, and walked over to the mighty mississip, where a saxophonist played, and sang a song, just for us. it was everything a trip to new orleans should be!

while we were driving we saw some funny? ironic? interesting? signs along the way. in mississippi, there is a realty company named cumbest realty. we thought maybe someone wasn't thinking about the spelling there, or if it was someone's name, maybe they should have gone a different direction when naming their company. but it's memorable, right? and then there was the tanker truck we passed that sported a diamond-shaped sign on the side that said "fresh acid". as opposed to what? stale acid? of course i learned that i needed to have the camera easily accessible so next time we saw such nonsense, we could record it for posterity!

this day's drive took us to our final destination - houston, texas. there were Many people for us to visit there, so it seemed like a good place for our vacation. we arrived on wednesday night, just in time to attend joel osteen's church for wednesday night service. a man named marcus wilt was preaching and it was really a wonderful time. the music was amazing, and the sermon was spot on. it really spoke to me. then we headed up to magnolia (a little town not too far north of houston) for a surprise! well, it was not a surprise to us, but it was a surprise to kelley, my best friend since college. she and her husband and their Five kids had no idea that we would be knocking on her door at 9:30 wednesday night for a week-long-ish visit! i have a bad habit of not telling kelley when i am coming to see her, and i get such delight out of seeing her reaction when i show up, that i just don't even like to let her know in advance any more. of course, i must tell you that when i spoke to her on the phone the previous sunday, i did mention coming over for dinner on wednesday night and she blew me off. no idea why. not like we live a couple thousand miles apart or anything! anyway, that was fun, fun, and funny! so her family got to meet my robert, and of course they approved. who wouldn't! he's great!

we hung out, talked, acted like we were actually interested in the things their kids showed us, and laughed at the many "marco-isms". marco was about to turn seven when we were there and he kept us in stiches. while peering through a glass marble one morning, he informed us, "i see chunks of germs!" we thought this was hilarious!!! we keep finding reasons to say it. i won this week when i said it, because i have pinkeye! if that's not chunks of germs, i don't know what is!!! our other favorite was at the dinner table one night, with a fabulous dinner including the Best homemade salsa by andy, when marco looked at the refried beans in the pot in front of him and said, "these beans are precious to me!" =) gigi made us a beautiful wooden plaque in the shape of a heart that got "marco-ed" (as in he decided to repaint it after she gave it to us), so she assured me that she would fix it and it is something i will treasure! and should we be worried that we found this dolly underneath the crib? too funny!

robert was a bit overwhelmed by all five kids and the constancy of it all, as in it never stops. i don't blame him. at least i knew what i was in for!!! so we headed south of houston where his brother jeff, and his partner john live, and enjoyed a quiet, relaxing visit at their place for a few days! it was a stark contrast to kelleys, where a family of seven never quite sees All of the dishes done, and where small children leave a trail, to a kitchen where a dish never stays dirty for more than a couple of seconds, and Nothing is out of place, ever. it was so delightful to meet robert's brother and i had a great time hanging out and getting to know them. one of the days, robert and i headed out to visit his step-mom and i got to enjoy her company too. it was a treat for me to be able to meet his family! we tried to drive from there out to galveston, but the road is in stages of rebuilding, and after almost getting stuck in the sand by trying to drive across the beach to the next section of driveable road, we made a u-turn and decided that seeing galveston wasn't that important, after all.

we spent sunday afternoon hanging out with my cousin, melanie and that was so fun! we had a few drinks and headed over to the potatoe patch, my favorite houston restaurant which has become a tradition for me over the years, going back to when mom used to travel to houston for training with continental airlines. mom and melanie introduced me to it, then i introduced papa to it when he and i were driving back east from california. so we had to introduce robert to it! i'm not going to say the food is the best i've ever had, but it is just the tradition of it all - and i just don't know too many other restaurants where you can get fried green tomatoes and fried okra! true southern food...

another day or so was spent at kelleys, packing up our stuff, and all that jazz. of course we had to stop and pick up some chorizo before we left the south. we put dry ice in the ice chest and started back home. we saw a couple of interesting street signs along the way...i mean what exactly is a baptist pumpkin center? i'll never know. and there was an overturned tractor trailer that shut down the interstate for about an hour. we got out and walked around. some people were playing frisbee in the median. lots of people had their dogs out for walks.

we were together for two whole weeks and we had a wonderful time! i think a true test of compatibility is if you can road-trip together. that's important for me, at least, since i love to take road trips. and i've found another soul who loves the adventure of the open road. but there's no place like home, after all, and we're still in love... what more could a girl ask for?! =)

houston

2009-03-04T12:25:00.004-05:00

yes, as in texas.

robert and i set off on a long-distance road trip on sunday evening, february 22. i have SO MANY things to write about, but they will wait until i arrive back home. so for now, be content with a simple update that says, i didn't get the writing job.

but i did get to surprise kelley in houston by showing up at her front door with no advance warning, which was great fun! (kelley is my best friend, and former college roommate.)

so that's it for now. stay warm.

a writing job?

2009-02-20T12:54:00.003-05:00

yesterday i found an ad on craigslist looking for a full-time writer. three two things about the ad are significant. #1 - it was a legitimate job posting! many (if not most) of the job ads in lynchburg are bogus postings. #2 - it said "full-time". that's right. someone here actually has more than just one piddly article that they would like to have written. they are looking for a full-time employee! #3 - it's a writing job. okay, that would be my dream job. i love to write, and if i can get paid to do it all the time, i just don't know what i'll do with myself!!! and i'm surprised that my dream job exists in my town, in this economy!

okay, so i applied for the job. sent them my "very best cover letter" and my resume. now i've applied for a LOT of jobs over the past several months, and Very few have responded at all. that's a little discouraging. but still, i need to work, so i keep sending out resumes. i was more than a bit concerned that it was Not a legitimate job. but i had to take the chance, and apply anyway.

well, i opened my email this morning, and lo and behold, i had a response! the man apologized for taking so long to get back to me (which was less than 12 hours, most of which were overnight). my email had gone into his spam folder and he had "accidentally" discovered it there. (thank you GOD!) he asked me for a writing sample and gave me four topics to choose from. he also asked that i turn it around in two hours or less.

so the article has been written. it falls in the 500-600 word prescribed length. i did it in less than two hours. and now, i'm waiting for a response from him. Please, oh please, PICK ME!

so, while we're waiting, here it is. i'm afraid to ask you what you think. but feel free to tell me anyway!

*****

Why go Dairy Free

I must admit, when I first heard the words “dairy free” my thought was “why would anyone want to eliminate dairy from their diet?” The commercials on TV tell me that five servings of dairy a day will help me lose weight. So, are there really valid reasons that would cause a person to eliminate an entire food group?

After doing a bit of research, I discovered that the answer to my questions is a resounding, “yes!” And the primary reasons are health-related.

When you spend a moment thinking about milk and its purpose, it doesn’t take long to realize that milk was created to be consumed by babies. Its purpose is to give babies the nutrition they need to grow. It is created by mammals to feed their young, and no other mammals drink milk beyond infancy.

Cow’s milk is made to turn a baby calf into a 300-pound cow in six months! I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to pack on that kind of weight quite so fast! Our stomachs don’t have the digestive enzymes that are necessary for processing dairy through our systems.

But what about all of the “benefits” of dairy in our diets? What about getting enough calcium to prevent osteoporosis and help our bones grow strong? Again, cow’s milk was designed for cows. Our bodies have a difficult time absorbing the calcium in dairy products, not just because it’s cow’s milk, but also because our dairy products are so processed that the amount of calcium is significantly reduced. More efficient sources of calcium include (surprise!) beans, spinach, and leafy-green vegetables!

You probably don’t think about milk containing sugar. It’s certainly not what I want when I’m craving sugar! But a 1992 report in the New England Journal of Medicine verified that proteins in cows' milk can damage the production of insulin. That means that some forms of diabetes can be linked directly to the consumption of dairy products.

While I’m telling you about medical studies related to eating or drinking dairy, I must mention that the Harvard School of Public Health in 2000 reported that men who consumed two and a half servings of dairy products a day had a third greater risk of getting prostate cancer. Yes, that says cancer. There have also been studies that show that the animal fats found in dairy products are linked to an increased risk of breast cancer. I’m quite certain that men don’t want any extra risks for prostate cancer, and I’d certainly like to keep my breasts!

So if you’re like me, you’re probably wondering why the media keeps telling us that dairy is good for us. Well, it’s simple really. It’s because the US Department of Agriculture is the government entity responsible for both promoting agricultural products and providing us with dietary advice. If that’s not a conflict of interests, I don’t know what it!

So after I studied the facts about dairy food, I came to the conclusion that they were never meant to be part of my diet. That is probably why, once I cut them out, all sorts of wonderful things started happening to me. I found that I had so much more energy. My skin became clearer. Those pounds I couldn’t quite get rid of disappeared (no reason for them to stick around if there’s no more ice cream, right?!). And I know that I’m doing my body a favor by treating it to a dairy-free lifestyle!

contest

2009-02-13T11:07:00.005-05:00

so i was in walmart on wednesday night, waiting for the pharmacy to (slowly) fill a prescription that doesn't even have to be counted (it's a bubble pack that they just have to slap a label on). they said the wait was 45 minutes to an hour. apparently they had a "guest" pharmacist filling in and that was causing the delays.

anyway, that's not the story here. the story is that while i was waiting, there was a very Large display of valentine's day cards right across from the pharmacy. well, since i actually Have a valentine this year, i decided it would be fun to find a card with just the right sentiment in it. it was as crowded at the card rack as the pharmacy was slow. probably we were ALL waiting on prescriptions. so i had to exercise a bit more patience to get to the cards i actually wanted to view (not the kid cards, though those can be quite fun in a very simple, nostalgic way. and not the for my husband or for my wife cards. you know why). i finally got my turn at the "love" cards and started picking up the ones that were well designed first. (it's a graphic designer's curse. we can't help ourselves.) the cards with good design had less-than-adequate sentiments inside, however, so i was not impressed. of course, i was not at hallmark, who claims to have the perfect card for every occasion, so i guess it was my own fault. anyway, (you can guess where this is going) i started looking at the cards that, in my opinion, were not quite so visually pleasing (who comes up with these ideas?) and while they contained more appropriate sentiments, i just Cannot bring myself to purchase a less-than-perfect card. (especially since they cost ~$4.99 these days.)

and then, i got a brilliant idea, which i executed last night. (executed...definitely the right word if you're going with definition #1.) i got out a whole pile of colored paper and blank cards and colored envelopes. i found pink and white tissue paper. i found silver ribbon and red raffia. i found my box of gel pens and fun-shaped scissors for making all sorts of interesting edges. i had tape and glue. the only thing i think i may have missed was the paper doilies. it was like being back in elementary school again, decorating my "valentine mailbox" for my classmates to put valentines in. there was always a decorating contest. i usually won first place.

it was fabulous! the cutting and snipping and placing and rearranging. the taping and gluing and tying. the playing with paper of all colors and weights and textures. i am so happy with the final result! i may not win first place for decorating this time, but i know i've won my robert's heart, and That is the best thing of all!

happy valentine's day! :)

six weeks with robert

2009-02-10T18:40:00.004-05:00

full moons seem to bring out the (dead) skunks, just in case you wondered. i think i counted eight of them...

i dyed my hair last friday. someone asked me why. the best answer i could come up with was, "it's february." simple.

so saturday was a most amazing day. robert and i drove up to chambersburg, pa. and met up with tim, heidi, seth, lindsay, jay and celeste. then all eight of us drove up to carlisle. i'm sure you are wondering what kind of event could happen to bring all of us friends together. well, wonder no more, it was over the rhine. robert and i did not pre-purchase our tickets, so while we were not able to sit with the rest of the gang, we weren't too disappointed because we got to sit in the front row. =D

robert was the only one of us who had yet to experience otr. there just aren't words to describe the music and the experience. i cannot even begin to try. all i can say was it was a wonderful night. there is nothing better than music you love with people you love. a wonderful group of friends whom i've loved for a long time, and robert, whom i've just recently come to love.

road trips are a wonderful way to get to know someone. its fun passing the miles talking and laughing and listening to your special someone's music, even when it is not your favorite music. that's part of getting to know someone. of course, there are some miles passed in comfortable silence, with a gentle touch or holding hands. it's nice to be with someone who wants to know you. it's nice to have someone you want to know.

i filed my taxes and washed and vacuumed my car today. i feel like i got a lot done. and that's about it, for now.

visitors

2009-02-05T19:30:00.004-05:00

norman has come to visit me for a few days and it's been nice having him around. he got to meet my robert last night, and that was really special for me! my nieces also got to meet him on skype. they couldn't see just how handsome he was over the computer!

so norman is looking for a job (just like me) down here in my neck of the woods. i'll be happy if that works out for him and his family. i'll enjoy having them close by.

my back is feeling better...i am really relieved about that. i've taken it easy today, just making sure i don't overdo it and end up worse off than i started. it's been so helpful having people around to bring me ice packs and make sure stubborn cali doesn't try to do something she shouldn't!

okay, that's it for now. no deep thoughts tonight...

duke and back again

2009-02-03T20:03:00.003-05:00

reva and i, with my brother norman as our driver, went down to duke again today. she had one last test, and another appointment with the neurologist. the news was a confirmation of the a.l.s. diagnosis, with some advice about things to make her more comfortable through the course of this disease. it was a lot for her to swallow. she is still in quite a bit of denial. when she asked the doctor how long she likely had left to live, he hesitantly told her, "probably about six months". he says that she has had the disease for years, and it is already in advanced stages.

i feel like a schmuck talking about my aches and pains when she is facing the final months of her life here on earth, but as i told another friend earlier this week, someone else's difficulties do not diminish the importance of our own difficulties. it can help us put hardship into perspective, but it is still hardship. so my difficulty is my back, again, and still. it has been hurting more and more over the past six weeks. and the pain medicine is working less and less effectively. i've taken a lot more of it, and have had to switch to something stronger. most of the time i do okay. i know when to stop and rest. i have lots of people helping me and taking care of me and looking out for my well-being (thanks to all of you...you know who you are!). they bring me ice packs, and medicine, and something to drink. i need to find a job with health insurance, so i can go back and see my doctor and decide if surgery needs to happen sooner rather than later. but i've done back surgery before, and i can definitely do it again, when the time comes. that doesn't scare me.

my brother norman is here at my home, visiting for a week or so. it's nice having him here. he was so helpful volunteering to drive to duke today! it is a 3 hour drive one way and there is no way that my back could have made that drive. he is looking for a job in this area, and if he gets one, then his family will be even closer by! that would be wonderful!

robert is fitting into my life and my circle of friends so comfortably! i am so enjoying getting to know him. we have wonderful times together, and very open, honest communication. i think we are setting a strong foundation, based on Christ, for our relationship. i'm so thankful that God sent him to me to be part of my life!

so there are many things going on. good things to be thankful for, and difficult things to petition God for mercy. his mercies are new every morning. great is his faithfulness!

25 random things about me

2009-01-30T13:03:00.003-05:00

so someone "tagged" me in facebook and asked me to make a list of 25 random things about myself. i decided to post that list here too...so you can find out some of my quirks!

1. i strongly dislike pickles of any sort.
2. that goes for olives too.
3. i really think i was born to use my hands to create things to make a living. like building stuff. or making things out of wood. or painting.
4. my favorite flowers are daisies and (blue) hydrangeas.
5. the one book that has changed my life spiritually is "the ragamuffin gospel" by brennan manning. it is a Hard read, but so, so worth it!
6. my favorite color is blue. any shade.
7. i really like kid food! mac and cheese, tater tots, applesauce, grilled cheese sandwiches...
8. i hate flossing. it is overrated.
9. i want a sleep number bed. if i spend 1/3+ of my life sleeping or in bed, then it is worth spending money on!
10. my dream job would allow me to be a writer and photographer for a travel magazine.
11. i think i am a good writer.
12. i think road tripping with someone is a Very Good way to get to know them well, and find out things you otherwise would not likely come to know.
13. i have two tattoos and plans for at least two more.
14. i understand why they call it "the terrible twos." i am convinced that it applies to the threes as well. of course, this comes only from observations of "other people's kids" as i don't have any of my own.
15. i have no plans to birth babies. never have. never plan to.
16. i can see myself adopting an "older" child that's lost in the system...as young as maybe 6 and as old as maybe 12...cuz i think i'll make a great mom.
17. i drink my margaritas "rocks, no salt"
18. i love watching fires.
19. i'm not sure how i started out as such a messy, unorganized kid, and became a neat, highly organized adult.
20. i am a bedding snob. when i see great bedding, i HAVE to buy it. even though i have more bedding that one person could ever use in a lifetime.
21. i've always wanted to shave my head bald.
22. i cannot comprehend how to go about "lov[ing] the Lord my God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength" but i Can "love my neighbor as myself" and somehow i think by doing this, it is helping me to come to love God more.
23. my parent's deaths were the most difficult things i've ever had to live through.
24. i'm truly greatful for the people who pray for me.
25. i have more close friends than any one person should be allowed. i am truly blessed!

raicy

2009-01-28T14:56:00.003-05:00

that's how i describe today's weather. it's a combination of rainy and icy. but not freezing rain...that happened last night. no, this is "one-degree-above-freezing rain". which makes it Very cold outside. and Very wet. but the ice is starting to melt.

the question is, will all of the new wet rain and the newly melted ice dry out before the temperature plunges below zero again? i'm guessing the answer is no. either way, this means i am staying Inside today/tonight!

stay warm and dry! :)

hiccups

2009-01-21T20:02:00.005-05:00

they're funny, kindof like laryngitis... funny sounding, funny to have, funny to say...

saturday started with hiccups. not the usual kind, but the "my friend lives far away and i can't seem to reach them by phone or email and i thought we were going to do something together today" kind. some people say hold your breath to get rid of the hiccups. some people say eat a spoonful of sugar to get rid of the hiccups. then there is drink ten sips of water quick without taking a breath. and drink water upside down (i never did figure out how to do this). and get scared by someone. it's kindof hard to get scared by someone when you have the hiccups because you know they are trying to scare you, which makes it Not Scary. but now i am rambling. welcome to my brain.

so the cure for "do i get to do something fun with my friend who i can't seem to reach" hiccups is wait. i Should be an expert at "wait". i've done it most of my life. i don't like waiting. but They say, good things come to those who wait. so i waited. and wondered. and then my phone rang!

see, while i was having emotional hiccups, my friend was having emotional suffocation, and i got all unfocused and was more concerned about my hiccups than his suffocation. and when i sat down and thought about it, and stopped being selfish, i realized that hiccups might be annoying, but they're still funny, and there is nothing funny about suffocating. it might even be life-threatening. so i started praying for my friend while i was waiting. and that is when he called.

as it turned out, i Did get to see my friend and do something fun!

i've been hesitant to write on my blog about this friend, because he has become my *boyfriend* now. and he's been in my life longer than the other couple of boys i've mentioned here, who both happened to go Out of my life as soon as i talked about them here. so robert, please don't go. i want you to stay. even though i'm writing about you on my blog.

so i got a whole, wonderful weekend with robert, visiting debbie and dave and em and catie in virginia beach. i so enjoy road tripping, and i was tickled that he wanted to go with me and meet my friends!

can i tell you some of the things i like about this man? for starters, he brought me daisies when he first met me. bright yellow ones. and they have lasted a Very Long Time! he also taught me how to make biscuits (to go with my apple butter). he is thoughtful and courteous, not just in "trying to impress you" kinds of things like opening doors and such, but also in taking out the trash because he sees that the trash can is full. or washing my dishes. or washing my friend's dishes even! he loves Jesus. and coffee. he admits his faults and doesn't blame other people. he relys on God and seeks after Him. he's not too proud to be vulnerable. AND he cooks!

i hope we are not simply hiccups - little annoying funny blips - in each other's lives. i'm pretty sure this is already deeper than that.

with God in both of our lives, and as the foundation of our relationship, i'm certain that we can handle the hiccups along the way. here's to you robert... and here's to *us*!

thoughts

2009-01-15T12:14:00.005-05:00

so there is this house, about a mile from mine, that has been on and off the market for the past two years. it is back on again and they've dropped the price considerably. i briefly considered that house, when i was looking to buy, but found mine which i just love and suits me to a tee. the other house has remained in the back of my mind, primarily because it is an Old House, with lots of character and charm and stories to tell. from the outside, you can tell that it is going to need some work. from the inside, you can tell that it is going to need even More work. but i still love those houses, and the potential i can see in in them to become a lovely home, even when they have been empty and neglected and are tired and old.

it's all about seeing the potential. then there is work to be done, for them to live up to their potential. it doesn't just happen. someone has to make an effort. i've got a rough analogy tumbling around in my head about me being empty and tired and old and God seeing enough potential in me to buy me anyway...

so after seeing the inside of this house (with danelis and nabin), all five of us (with kids in tow) went to walmart. that was an exercise in patience for me. i'm not used to shopping with other people. the few times i do it, i am usually with other grown-ups. we had one of those Big carts with an additional space for kids to ride and i was pushing. the kids, however, did not Want auntie cali to push. and they wanted a balloon. and a spiderman cake. and chicken nuggets (which they got, because it Was lunchtime). and then they wanted Out of the cart. and there was poking. and crying. and (very slow) i'm sorrys. and auntie cali was tired of listening.

and i wonder how often God gets tired of me with my "i wants" and my discontentedness with exactly where i am and wanting to "get out". and he is immensely patient with me. and i offer to him an "i'm sorry" and i know that i am forgiven.

we are all works in progress. and abba God loves us all enough to redeem us, and then Wants to be with us even when we are acting like little children.

his mercies are new every morning. great is his faithfulness...

sigh

2009-01-10T14:45:00.003-05:00

i have things i want to say.
but i'm having trouble getting them out.
they seem important
(to me, at least).

sarayu

2009-01-04T17:39:00.003-05:00

"can you not go far away?" my friend's daughter asks her often at bedtime. i was thinking about that, in light of having just finished reading the shack by wm. paul young.

in the book, without giving away the plot, a guy gets to just hang out for a weekend in the presence of God. i'm not even going to try to explain anything else but the book left my head and heart turned inside out and upside down in so many amazingly good ways that i will be processing it for months to come...

i have a renewed sense that even when i can't feel him, he is always right here with me, and he will never go far away. also, that he likes me. that he is fond of me. that more than anything in the world, the only thing he asks from me is to be...just be...with him.

none of us wants to be alone. sometimes being alone is overwhelming. it is painful. i know in my head that God never leaves me alone, but there are times i cannot feel his presence. i am so glad that from time to time, he chooses to put other people in my life, possibly simply to remind me, that he does not want me to ever have to feel alone. because He loves me. more than i will ever be able to comprehend...

between

2008-12-29T11:55:00.005-05:00

this is the week between. most noticeably, between christmas and new years. and i am still between jobs, and have been for quite some time now.

so last week was delightful in more ways than i can count. i love having something to look forward to! planning the christmas menu, looking up recipes online, wrapping presents, choosing silly stocking stuffers for guests that are visiting (two college guys from india stayed over on christmas eve, and Everyone at my house gets a stocking on christmas morning!). and having my friend danelis here with me to share in the planning and shopping and wrapping just made it perfect! :)

of course we spent most of the day on christmas eve baking goodies of all sorts. then we went to the christmas eve service at church, and an open house afterwards at the posey's. then in the morning it was fun to surprise the guys with stockings (chocolates, and soap and disposable razors and microwave popcorn - goofy, i know), and "santa" even left them a present under the tree. we all had a ball opening presents and watching the kids and their excitement!

keith and his family came in the afternoon and we had a yummy dinner. the kids played and played and it was a great day all around. i think i spent the whole next day sleeping!

so, i'm enjoying this week of between. i will enjoy a new year's eve celebration with my dear friend jim, as i have for the past few years. lucky for me, there is no boy to disappoint by my desertion of him for new years, as i am currently "between" in that category as well. suits me just fine, as i am still content to wait for the one and only one worth having. haven't met him yet...

a house, full

2008-12-20T11:22:00.003-05:00

they're here! danelis and nabin and nadin and neisha have arrived at my home. they've been in india for the past several months and they are staying with me until they find a home of their own. they arrived late last night and danelis and i stayed up till the wee hours of the morning, talking and laughing and catching up. we finally forced ourselves to go to bed, knowing that we will have days and weeks of time to share.

i woke up the the pitter patter of little feet running around the upstairs of the house. of course, i rolled over and went right back to sleep. they are still adjusting to the time change - it can take a while - so they are up and wide awake well before the sun!

when nadin (age 4) was asked what he thought about the christmas tree, he responded, "there are no presents underneath." of course. at 4 years old, what is the point of having a christmas tree if there are no presents underneath? indeed.

laryngitis

2008-12-17T17:57:00.003-05:00

its a funny word. it sounds funny when you say it. it sounds funnier when you Have it and try to Say it! :) i have no other symptoms of illness. in fact, i feel quite good...

so my friends who have been in india for the past several months are back in the states now. they will be arriving at my home late friday night and will be staying until they find a place to live. i'm so excited that they are coming. excited that we will be spending christmas together. excited to have the company and hustle and bustle in my home.

i've been getting things ready for their arrival. cleaning out some drawers for them to use, moving some furniture around (thanks for your help, tim!), and making beds. i've got kids books on the bottom bookshelf, and a big bag of stuffed animals for them to play with.

my voice has two days to heal. 'cuz when they get here, we've got almost a year of catching up to do!

birthdays

2008-12-07T13:24:00.004-05:00

have you ever been with a friend on their birthday and had them say to you that they knew this would probably be the last birthday they ever had? two people i know had birthdays yesterday. my nephew turned nine and i doubt that the end of his life ever crossed his sweet, happy mind. and reva turned i don't even know how old, but not old at all, and she knows this will likely be her last.

the best thing about the day was the surprise snow. reva said, and i certainly believe her, that her daddy (who died in january) asked God to send reva snow for her birthday so that she would know he was thinking about her. and God said yes! yea God! thank you daddy. the best gift of all.

peaceful, calm, quiet, clean, beautiful snow. just enough to make everything white for an afternoon. enough to make one happy to be alive for one more birthday...

a different plan

2008-12-02T12:38:00.003-05:00

yesterday morning, when i woke up on december 1, my plan for the day was to drive reva to roanoke to meet the speech pathologist to help figure out what kind of communication device was going to work best for her, as her speech is getting more and more difficult to understand.

we were supposed to leave at 9am, and neither of us were looking forward to the circumstances of the day, as they were just another glaring aspect of her a.l.s. and we would rather have been doing anything but going to see yet another doctor.

at 8:45am, the lady called and the devices didn't come in and could we reschedule the appointment for next week instead? well, there was a little bit of frustration until we decided to go to cracker barrel for breakfast instead, and then that changed the plan of the whole day. yummy comfort food in front of a great big fire place with a best friend - what's not to love?

after a lingering breakfast, and a stroll around the gift shop looking at the christmas trees and decorations and ornaments, we headed back out into the cold. the sky was clouding over, looking possibly stormy, but the heater in the car worked and we were warm. as we were driving north, crossing the james river bridge from lynchburg to madison heights, the raindrops started pinging and it was rain and sleet and then it was just sleet, bouncing off the pavement in every direction like tiny styrofoam balls with static.

we stopped at cvs to pick up a prescription for reva's mom and dropped it off at her house. then reva came with me back to my house. my christmas tree is up and lit, and i haven't found the ornament box yet, but it still looks really nice. and i had put out some other decorations that just make my cozy home feel christmas-y.

reva and i drank chocolate milk, and watched 27 dresses. she hadn't slept well the night before and she laid down on the couch to watch the movie and soon fell into a restful sleep. i paused the movie, laid my head down on the arm of my chair, and had a nap as well. when we woke up, we finished the movie and discovered we were hungry again and decided to go to our very favorite restaurant of all for indian food for dinner.

it was twilight and the clouds had rolled away and the sky was clear and you could see the remnants of the sun's rays going down over the mountains in the west. reva told me that i was her best friend and that this was one of the Best Days Ever.

the icing on the cake, for me, was the night sky on the way home - the blue-black sky with my very favorite sliver moon and venus and jupiter shining like bright stars right next to it. peaceful night. peaceful day. glimpses of grace and peace in the midst of disease.

God is good. all the time. even when i don't understand...

counting...

2008-11-30T23:25:00.003-05:00

and realizing there are lots of blessings to count.

my tree is up.
my house is warm.
i spent thanksgiving with friends, and family.
i passed my test.

and i have so many friends, i cannot count them all.
i am blessed.

i did it!

2008-11-25T21:35:00.002-05:00

i passed my test for my virginia real estate salespersons license!
i am So Happy!

things i'm smiling about...

2008-11-21T16:25:00.004-05:00

its sunny and windy today and i'm sure my neighbor wishes i would rake my leaves instead of letting them blow into her yard, but oh well. (i'm not really smiling about that, but again, oh well).

nikki is coming to visit for the weekend and it's been a while since we've been able to hang out, stay up late, talk and laugh, so i'm really looking forward to having her here.

so that's it, really. not much to say. hope your day is sunshiny! :)

it's not accidental...

2008-11-14T14:56:00.004-05:00

...the people that come into our lives. i'm more and more convinced of this. i met a new friend a couple of weeks ago...we've exchanged emails and chatted online several times. technology being what it is these days, some "online" acquaintances come and go very quickly, without ever nearing "friend" status. but this one became a friend. and now he is a face-to-face friend. and i think that God knew i was going to need this person in my life.

with my dear friend reva, who is like a sister to me, having been diagnosed with a.l.s. last week, i've been in a bit of turmoil. i think she is still in shock about the whole diagnosis. i took her up to uva this past wednesday to see doctors and therapists and for three hours we met people who basically implied, "i'm sorry, but there's really no hope. prepare for the worst." we know that means she is dying. i don't want to watch another person i love die.

before i left on wednesday morning, i had an email from my new friend and he wondered if we might meet for coffee or something that day. i popped him a quick email to let him know i'd be out of town, taking my friend with a.l.s. to uva for the day. and when i got back home, his reply was waiting. he lost a dear friend to a.l.s. so he gets it. he knows. he understands, first-hand, how i feel. and isn't that what we all want? someone to understand and empathise.

it's not accidental, the people who come into our lives...

today

2008-11-11T13:18:00.002-05:00

my tummy hurts
and i have a kink in my neck
and my eyes are sleepy
because they wouldn't sleep last night.

tomorrow
will be better...

a.l.s.

2008-11-09T02:55:00.003-05:00

my friend, reva, went to the neurologist at uva yesterday. he'd done some tests, and she went for the results. he asked her if she knew what a.l.s. stood for. she told him, "angel, left stationary". and they cried.

reva, truly an angel, whose body has fought against her in one way or another, all her life. it's already started. in her hands, her arms, and her throat. and it's happening fast.

i hate it. Hate It. HATE IT! what in the world? so i'm angry today. angry that God allowed this to happen to her. (don't worry, He is big enough to deal with my anger.) its just One More Thing that doesn't make sense. i'm not looking for answers. i don't need an explanation. i just need to talk about it.

i don't want to watch another person i love die in front of me.

it's nighttime

2008-11-08T01:07:00.002-05:00

and i'm actually sleepy.
today has been filled up and overflowing.

drunk on laughter

2008-11-02T22:43:00.002-05:00

so i'm staying here in va. beach at my friend debbie's house for a couple of days. tonight we met karen and had a "girls night out" at the movie theatre. you would think that would be the highlight of the night, but not so.

when we got home, we interrupted dave's recorded football game. poor guy. he had no idea what he was in for. i think it might have started when debbie started spinning murphy. murphy is the cat with a stub of a "happy tail". he was lying on the floor, sprawled out with legs and legs flailed out to the side, taking a little nap, as cats are inclined to do. i'm not sure if murph woke up on his own or if he had help, but next thing i knew, debbie was spinning murphy around on the hardwood floor...round and round...faster and faster. when she stopped, murphy's little head is kindof twitching back and forth, obviously because the cat is so dizzy it can't focus. we found this quite funny. and we hadn't even been drinking.

so then debbie says, "do you think that the centrifugal force of the spinning causes brain damage?" i told her i didn't know, but if she called the vet and asked him, he would probably have an opinion. and the situation went from quite funny to hilarious. we discussed filming it and sending it to afv, but decided it wasn't quite That funny. we also considered that if murphy didn't like it, he would get up and walk away. so debbie did it two or three more times. nevermind that the poor cat was so dizzy, it probably couldn't have gotten up and walked away to save it's life... what are cats good for, if not a good laugh, right?

so her husband dave is standing behind the couch, watching us and smiling. he had picked up fuzzy, the other cat, and was snuggling her patiently. lucky fuzzy. i guess cats can be good for snuggling too, occasionally. anyway, he wasn't really laughing. did i mention the patient part? yes, he was standing there patiently. waiting. "for what?" you ask. well see, when we had come in from the movie, he paused the football game. and since i am company, he politely asked us about the movie, etc., etc., making conversation and being a very amicable host. after the spinning incident got us started, he began to realize that he was Behind the couch and the remote was on the arm of the couch. juuuust out of "polite" reach. so while debbie and i are cracking ourselves up, polite dave is smiling and nodding his head, all the while wondering just how he is going to commandeer control of the living room, especially the remote, and his football game.

unfortunately for dave, debbie and i are expert mind readers, and we were on to him. and when he made a comment about the speculated, upcoming nuclear hit va. beach was likely to experience in the near future, we decided to torment him a bit longer. it wasn't intentional. it just happened. he mentioned that he would like to be here when it happens, as opposed to richmond, because then he would be incinerated, as opposed to dying a slow, painful death from the fallout effects of nuclear disaster. debbie wisely inquired, "why here or richmond, and not kansas?"

don't even get me started on kansas. have you ever driven across kansas? Longest Damn State In The Country. it looks exactly the same, no matter where you are. seriously. texas takes less time to cross than kansas. why would anyone want to go to kansas? that would be my Last choice. and then...

debbie said "shampoo". not initially funny. but it does have "poo" in it, and if you're in *that* state of mind, it doesn't take much to make one laugh. well, for some reason, when debbie started thinking about what she would want to have were she to survive a nuclear attack, the first thing that popped in her head was shampoo. not food. not water. Shampoo. dave suggested that a map to kansas might be more useful and, well, that was just too much. we're talking "laugh-so-hard-my-belly-hurts!" of course i had to remind her that if she were to survive, she would likely lose all her hair as a result of the fallout, and then what would we do with 20 cases of shampoo?

obviously, you would have to have been here. thankfully, we were. like i said, poor dave. at least he was actually laughing by the time it was all said and done. it's likely that he was just laughing at us, but either way, laughter is the best medicine. and we're drunk on it!

now, a simple quiz to test your reading comprehension...

if a cat is lying on a hard wood floor and you spin the cat really fast,
1. wouldn't it run away if it didn't like it?
2. does the centrifugal force cause the blood to rush to its head?
3. does it cause brain damage?
4. will the vet call peta on me if i call and ask him?

in the event of a nuclear attack, where would you rather be?
1. ground zero; instant incineration
2. close enough to feel the effects; then die a slow, painful death
3. kansas

in the event of a nuclear attack, what would you most like to have if you survived?
1. shampoo
2. pork and beans
3. a map to kansas

which state takes longer to drive through?
1. texas
2. kansas

capricious cali craves creativity

2008-11-01T22:20:00.008-04:00

opalescent ocean offers oblation

wet water weakens worries

grey gulls glide gracefully

supple sand shovels splendidly

fabulous friends frolic fearlessly

giggling girls grin glowingly

sparkly smile stays swimmingly

i'm sorry, i can't make it

2008-10-29T11:37:00.004-04:00

so on thursday, a friend canceled for coffee.
and on friday, my friend canceled her weekend visit.
and on monday, the mid-week visit was canceled.
and on tuesday, another friend canceled for coffee.
and today, my friend canceled for lunch.

i understand. really, i do. but i don't have to like it.

really big pots and racks

2008-10-25T14:57:00.004-04:00

so when i woke up this morning and went into the kitchen to make coffee, i lifted the lid off the apple butter. it had cooled off plenty and i decided to give it another taste. my suspicion last night was that it was a bit too sweet. well, not much you can do to take sweet out of something, and honestly, can a fruit topping be "too" sweet? but the verdict stands...too sweet.

i looked at the last ten big apples i had left from my jaunt to the apple festival last saturday and decided that the best way to solve this problem was to make another batch with less sugar and then mix the two when they are done. so the second batch is in the crock pot and i anticipate that the house will start smelling all apply here in another couple of hours.

i must say that i'm very proud of myself for conquering the Finger-Severing Santuko. for those of you who know my propensity with knives, i have finally learned how to wield the beast properly! i dont think i need to be afraid of it any more, though i still have a healthy respect for it.

now, about canning. i was planning on canning the apple butter today (before i decided to make a second batch). so while i was drinking my coffee, i pulled out the better homes and gardens new cookbook to read up on the process. i've not done it before, but how hard can it be?

the cookbook talked about filling the jars and putting them in a big pot with a rack in the bottom and boiling them. well, i have a big pot. i don't have a rack. how necessary is the rack? i thought to myself that my grandma probably didn't have a special pot with a special rack just for canning. so i pulled out my grandma's cookbook to see what i could find. the first "vintage" cookbook i checked has a copyright of 1953 and it said the same thing: use a canning pot and canning rack. moving on. next cookbook has a copyright of 1963 and it said to write the u.s. department of agriculture and get their "home and garden bulletin #8: home canning of fruits and vegetables" for only 20¢. *sigh*

i've been told that i'm ingenuitive so i headed back into the kitchen and pulled out my big pot. i usually use it for making soup. it's a big pot. makes a lot of soup. now, i just need to find a rack of sorts to sit the jars on, and it must fit inside the pot. my first idea was my steaming basket. it fit in the pot and it opened up, but it didn't open all the way so it wasn't flat. i decided it wouldn't work for boiling jars. and after looking through all of my gadgets, i realized that i didn't have a second idea.

at this point, i've decided that i Do have to have a pot and a rack to do this. off to the store.

did you know that canning is a "seasonal" activity? in my mind, it's still october, and apples are still in season, and people are still making apple sauce and apple butter. but No, it is the End of canning season, which means that the stores are clearing their stock of canning supplies. the bad thing about that was that if i need more jars, i'm out of luck, because they are all sold out. and that the racks they had left were too big for my big pot. but that the big canning pot, with rack, was on Clearance! so, now i have a new pot. it's a Really Big Pot and i have no idea where i'm going to store it, but now i can can my apple butter.

so now, i just need to perfect my grandma's biscuit-making talent, 'cause there's nothing better on biscuits than apple butter!

desert rain

2008-10-24T23:40:00.002-04:00

even the crickets have gone to sleep, but i'm awake, as i have been often at 2 a.m. these past months. much of my wakefulness has been restless, whether it has been in the daytime or the nighttime. you wouldn't have been able to tell by looking at me...the restlessness has been primarily internal.

i've spent the past 20 months journeying through the desert, figuratively. but lately, it's been different. finally, rain came to the desert.

when it first starts raining in the desert, it touches the surface. you see it. you feel it. but it doesn't go deep. still...you know it's good, and you know it was needed, and it is so good to feel something other than dust on your skin. but when the desert has been without rain for a very long time, it's skin is broken and cracked and dry. and while the rain calms the dust, it rolls off the surface. it doesn't soak in. it doesn't heal. it's just water. just water. just. water.

water might be what started it all. we take water for granted where i live. every home has a source of water for immediate use and consumption. most homes have many. sinks, tubs, toilets, spigots. yes, i included toilets. because the water there helps keep bacteria and disease away from us. we don't really think about why we need water at all.

in july i went to meet some people who were doing something amazing. a group of 17 people were taking the summer to ride their bicycles across the united states. they were doing it for blood:water mission. their goal? to increase awareness and raise money to help build 1,000 clean-water wells in africa. and by having clean water, it will help eliminate disease, hence, clean blood. that's when it started - when i went to meet these people.

when the desert is without rain, it doesn't change much. walking on the hard soil is like walking on rocks. you can hike for days and a quick wind will erase the dust of your footprints. when the ground is dry, it's not affected by you. and things will still grow, as they've acclimated themselves to that terrain. it's not unlivable.

the desert of my soul had become hard and cracked and dry. i'd lost my ability to feel much of anything. that's one of the beauties of the desert. not feeling can be welcome. not feeling can be a relief. not feeling is a way to protect yourself. from what, you ask? simple. from feeling. because when your soul is hard and cracked and dry like the desert, and you don't feel, you protect yourself from pain. from things that hurt. and who doesn't want that?

but when it rains in the desert, you start to feel. the rain washes the dust away. and slowly, very slowly, the rain stops rolling off the top and starts sinking in. do you know what happens when water and dirt mix? the shape of things starts changing, and you get mud. mud is messy. mud is dirty. mud is unpredictable. when dirt is hard and cracked and dry, you know you can stomp all over it without much of a reaction. but mud? squish. splash. ooze.

it's not a pretty thing, but it's been raining in my desert life since summer and now i'm all muddy and gooey and oozey on the inside. the rain has been sinking in and my life is changing, because i'm feeling again. high highs and low lows. the happy times are happier and the sad times are sadder. but that's the way it is in real life.

amazing the things you start to notice when you allow yourself to feel. and what i've noticed is people, and how blessed i am to have so many of them in my life. how necessary they are in my life. and how much fun it is to play, in the mud, with your friends! so the restlessness is part of the rain, the mud, the feeling. restlessness is not bad. it's part of the healing.

a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck…

2008-10-18T22:51:00.006-04:00

what’s a girl to do with a half bushel of apples?

i went to an apple harvest festival today, and well, i just couldn’t help myself! somehow it took me back about 20-something years, to my first autumn in virginia. we moved to roanoke the summer i turned 14. i didn't know then that i'd end up living here longer than in any other state.

it was probably a saturday afternoon, and my parents took us to an apple orchard to pick apples. we spent the next several days peeling and coring apples, and mom made applesauce and apple butter...pies weren't really her thing.

so today, when i set out to spend this brisk fall saturday outdoors, i stumbled on an apple festival. like i said, i just couldn't help myself! i have great plans for these apples. plans reminiscent of my mom, and my grandma. apple butter and pies.

but that apple festival didn't take up much of the day, so my friend and i decided to drive west...towards the blue ridge parkway. we found the perfect campground, right next to a babbling brook. too bad the temperature is supposed to be 38 degrees tonight, or we just might have popped a tent and stayed! probably the best thing about the campground was the little cafe right across the brook that serves hot coffee and breakfast!

cameras in hand, we did our absolute best to capture the day. the trees have just begun to change. there were some amazing reds and yellow, and the colors will only intensify over the next couple of weeks. we drove down a road that was off the beaten path (hey, the gate was open and we didn't see a sign that said "authorized vehicles only"); we took pictures of moss and berries and leaves; we climbed big rocks.

we made a big loop...west to the parkway, south to the peaks of otter, east through beford, goode, and forest, and then north through lynchburg back to madison heights.

the apple pie came out of the oven about an hour ago. should be the perfect temperature to cut and eat.

so yeah, i'm done here for now... :)

choice

2008-10-16T14:15:00.006-04:00

i've been sitting around lately.
trying to find projects to keep me busy.

consequently, doing a lot of thinking.
that's what happens when i'm left alone with myself.

we weren't created to be alone.
and i'm not talking about being lonely. that's not it.

i was once asked to consider the difference between solitude and alone.
and the past couple of months have taught me a lot about those two things. they're not the same, you know.

my first response, when faced with the two, was that they were the same.
i like being alone. i need solitude. it's necessary for survival.
and after a few months of mostly solitude, i've experienced the difference.

i'm solitary by nature. i do need it. it is necessary.
i have not been working, which is daily contact with others, whether you want it or not. i discovered that i have gone entire days (sometimes a couple) without talking. i laugh when i answer the telephone at 3pm and someone asks me if i just woke up because i haven't actually used my voice that day yet. i've gone days without stepping outside, because there was nowhere i needed to go or nowhere i needed to be. and given the choice to stay home or go hang out at barnes and noble with coffee and a magazine, i most always chose stay home. i enjoy solitude. it is not lonely. it is contentedly being alone.
solitude.
solitude is a choice.
solitude is the choice i usually choose.

and after months of solitude,
after months of being alone,
i realized that i had stopped choosing. alone had chosen me. and alone is not a choice.
alone is when you realize that there are not people in your daily life. it is when you realize that, even though you don't want to be constantly surrounded by people, or activity, there is a marked absence of people or activity...and you didn't choose this. when i had roommates, i wasn't alone. when i worked with other people, i wasn't alone. when i choose to be integrally involved with other people, i am not alone.

of course you know that you can be in a room full of people and be lonely. the absence of alone does not ensure the absence of loneliness. but i do think that alone is the opposite of solitude. one chooses you...the other you choose. and i think loneliness happens when alone chooses you.

i realized that somewhere along the way, i let alone choose me. because of the circumstances of my life, it happened quite easily. the people in my life that i am closest to do not live nearby. i haven't really tried to make connections with the people i know who live locally. and even though i am fortunate to have deep, amazing friendships, i've realized that i need people here, in my everyday, to do life with.

solitude is still necessary, but it is temporary.
i need people in my everyday.
it's time for me to move my life,
not just my home,
here.

and i've finally chosen to do something about it...

section 65: arlington national cemetery

2008-10-15T03:03:00.003-04:00

this week, hbo has been airing a documentary on section 60 at arlington. this is where the soldiers from operation iraqi freedom are being buried.

it is right across the street from section 65, where my papa and mama are buried. at both of their burials, it was winter and the ground was frozen, and there was ice everywhere.

after mom died, i went to arlington relatively frequently. i would sit on the ground and sometimes talk, but mostly just be. sometimes papa and i went together. i know that he went a lot more than i did. but i went whenever i wanted to. and i seldom cried. i didn't need to, i guess. it was comforting somehow.

after papa died, i moved away. i've been back to northern virginia many times since then. i've driven past the cemetery many times. i've only gone back inside once.

in december 2006, papa said, "next year for christmas, i want to take a wreath to the cemetery and put it on sara's grave." in january 2007, he was buried with sara. in december 2007, i took two wreaths to arlington.

and i don't know if i can go back. being there, seeing the headstone, was not comforting any more. it broke my heart all over again.

the flag that covered my papa's coffin hangs on my wall...white stars on a field of blue. i miss him.

chloe sabine delta ludlow

2008-10-10T12:11:00.004-04:00

yes, i'm a new aunt again. isn't she beautiful? i just love her. she was born on monday morning, 8 lb. 8 oz. and healthy as can be.

it's amazing.

so pure.
so precious.
so pretty.

none

2008-09-12T00:46:00.003-04:00

so, on tuesday i was thinking about moving furniture... i've lived in my house for just over a year now, so i guess it's about time for some major rearranging of furniture! i'm not really sure why i decided i wanted to move it all around, but once i get an idea like that in my head, there's really nothing else that will alleviate the mental rearranging except Actual rearranging. so i called my friend tim yesterday and asked him if he had any time over the next few days to come over and help me move some stuff around. he's kindof used to it, i think, since we've known each other a long time and he knows how i am. :) he's coming over tomorrow (or maybe saturday) and i've been trying to do as much as i can to get ready for the "big move." i anticipate that it will take a good day to get things all settled back into their new places. it's a lot of work, but i'm excited about it...

i got to see keith & mercedes & zebulun & zahara a few days ago. the new baby is due at the end of this month and we're all pretty excited about that. they are moving furniture too, getting things ready. ooh, maybe that's what started it all... :) yes, i blame them!

i've finished the course i had to take for my new job. i've been waiting for Two Weeks for my final exam to arrive so i can take it. hopefully it will come tomorrow... and after i pass that, i have to take a state exam. this process is taking Way Too Long in my opinion, and just when i think it's nearing the end, i find out that it's gonna take another couple of weeks. seems like it's been that way for almost a month now! meanwhile...

on the way back from my aunt vondie's funeral, i stopped at my mom's friend's house in charlotte, n.c. for an overnight and ended up staying five overnights! her family kept asking me to stay, and i kept staying. it was nice to be "mothered" for a few days. then she came up to visit for labor day weekend and we had a great time! it was almost like having my mommy come visit and see my little home... :)

i guess that's about it for now...

vondie

2008-08-13T21:06:00.004-04:00

my aunt, vondie, died this morning. she survived breast cancer. she survived brain cancer. she died of lung cancer. she lived for about a month after she found out, and it had already spread everywhere. she was not old. only 62 or 63 or so. she was my mom's little sister.

there were 10 children in my mom's family. five of them are dead. three of them died of various types of cancer. i hate that word. i hate that disease. i hate that God allows it to take people away from me.

i am driving to south carolina tomorrow to see my cousins. a handful of us who were joined by mothers who were sisters are now joined as cousins without moms. so, we will be together...the cousins. that is a good thing.

because we are not supposed to do life alone. we are supposed to do life together. especially the hard parts. it's all about community. i have lots of thoughts on that lately, and hopefully i can share them sometime soon.

stay tuned...

crickets, cicadas and dogs

2008-08-13T00:57:00.007-04:00

it's almost 1:00 a.m. and

i am out on my screened porch

sitting in the big, oak, double rocker

listening to tonight's sounds.

it's august in virginia.

if you know anything about august

in virginia, you know about the humidity.

you know it's so thick you can hardly breathe.

you know it's so hot you don't dare step foot outdoors

unless you absolutely must.

when it's august in virginia

it's often 90 degrees at midnight.

well, not this august.

they're talking record lows this august.

i've stepped foot outdoors,

and it wasn't because i absolutely must.

i'm wearing jeans

and a long-sleeved shirt.

anything less and i'd be chilly,

wanting a blanket to curl up in!

at 1:00 a.m., it is 63 degrees outside.

this august, things are different in virginia.

all kinds of different in my life

and somehow, still the same.

i love nights like these.

halfway through wednesday, first week in august

2008-08-06T15:19:00.009-04:00

the last few weeks have been interesting, that's for sure! after meeting the ride:well team in roanoke, and learning about blood:water mission, i've had a renewed sense of passion for uganda and my friends over there and the ministries that they are involved in... clean water is something we take for granted here and it's so much more vital for good health that i think we realize...

i've also had a renewed sense of God in my life these past few weeks. i knew that spiritual things in my heart were desert dry...i guess i just didn't realize how long they had been that way. looking back, it probably started about a year-and-a-half ago, when my daddy died.

i've been thinking a lot about "purpose" in my life, and how what i do on a daily basis reflects this. the biggest part is probably figuring out what that purpose is, and it seems like it should be something big, and worthy, and noble, but i can't figure out a big, and worthy, and noble purpose for my life. i wrestled with this for a few days, and i finally realized/remembered that God doesn't usually show us the future of our lives, and somehow knowing the "big" purpose is kindof the same as knowing the "future" and i think few of us are fortunate enough to ever know what that is.

so my purpose, for now, is to be who God made me...the best me i can be, for Him...and to love the people in my life and show them that Jesus loves them and to remain in fellowship with Him (yes, even during the desert times). i feel fortunate that i have a sense that it's "raining" in my spiritual "desert" life, and i feel a renewed closeness with Jesus, not just as my savior, but also as my friend. i know he loves me...but you can love someone and not particularly LIKE them from time to time. lately, i feel like He actually likes me.

regarding purpose, i believe i'm right where i'm supposed to be, and when something is supposed to change...when different action is required...God will let me know. i don't have to have "big" purposes for my everyday.

blood:water mission

2008-07-21T11:03:00.005-04:00

last night i drove to roanoke with my friend tim to meet the ride:well bike tour riders as they are raising money and awareness to build wells in africa to provide clean water. it's amazing. the video explains the mission...

many of you know that africa is a place i feel passionately about. i've been to uganda twice and i left part of my soul there. it's such a simple thing that we take for granted - water - but for many africans, just getting it is often a day's work. i'm sure i have way more to say about meeting the team last night, but for now, watch the video. then go to www.ridewelltour.com to give.

vines

2008-07-19T14:24:00.006-04:00

the wild grape vines are taking over my side yard.
usually i ignore them.
just like i ignore the poison ivy on the other side of my side yard.
sometimes i glare at them from a distance.
yesterday, i glared at them up close,
as they appeared to be drowning another tree.

when i moved here, i was told that the trees on my side yard were plum trees.
the drowning tree, however, looks to me like a peach tree.
at least the leaves do.
there are no peaches on it.
probably because it was drowning.

so today, i put on my gardening gloves, picked up my loppers, and headed towards the wild vines.
i started by pulling.
did a bit of hacking.
lopped a couple of stubborn vines.
and did a lot more pulling.
and yanking.
and tugging.

there is a BIG pile of wild grape vines
on the ground in my yard now.
it could be bigger, but i did as much as i could
and cut some off down low,
that way i can pull them out more easily
when they've died.

on the other side of my yard i sprayed the poison ivy.
i sprayed about a month ago and it killed a lot of it off.
it takes about three weeks for the stuff to die.
but i hate it way more than the grape vines.
so good riddance.

after the grape vines, the loppers and i headed to the front.
i have these big, ugly, scraggly azaleas growing in front of my porch.
the flowers aren't even pretty when they bloom.
i want to dig them up and put them in the burn pile
(with the wild grape vines).
but several friends think that's not a good idea.
so i decided to trim them back...
give them some shape...
and give them a second chance.
i don't think their second chance is going to last
more than a week.
they're still ugly.

i want pretty flowers growing in front of my porch.
that's my plan.
it's a good one.

family

2008-06-21T21:53:00.003-04:00

i did more than nothing today...and i'm still not ready for sleep!

the pies look so pretty, and smell so good, and i can't wait to share them tomorrow! keith and mercedes and zahara and zebulun; ellen and garth; and tim and heidi and aaron, alisha and kyle are all coming over for lunch tomorrow! :) happy, happy me!!!

yesterday i opened some files on my computer that i had not opened in over a year...my papa's genealogical files. family tree stuff. stories about my ancestors. stories about my mom and dad, written by my daddy. aunt joyce wanted to have copies of some of that stuff, so i opened it up and looked at it for maybe only the third time since papa died. we printed out just papa's side of the family, with names, dates, and stories, and it was nearly 500 pages long! so much information. so much family. it's a bit overwhelming when i think about it all. i come from such a long, amazing line of people, and still, at 41 years old, i'm already an orphan. aunt joyce told me today that to her, i'm like one of her kids. i'm glad about that. but somehow, tonight, it has intensified the "lonely" and "alone" of my life. this doesn't bother me often, but tonight, it kindof does.

i'm glad that tomorrow i will be with family. surrounded by lots of people. i hope that it doesn't mean i'll feel even more alone after they all leave, but it probably will.

the level of joy is proportionately as high as the level of pain is deep...

it is good to do nothing all day...then sleep!

2008-06-21T14:35:00.004-04:00

i love summer vacation ! :)

today i am going to bake two rhubarb pies, with rhubarb from canada, using my grandma ludlow's recipe.

so, it's been a while, hasn't it?

2008-06-19T10:53:00.004-04:00

first i had a lot going on, then lots of nothing going on...but i'm back now :)

i finished the school year! the last couple of weeks were certainly filled to the brim, helping my students prepare for their s.o.l. tests (yes, that is really what they are called - it stands for "standards of learning" although what you're thinking as a definition for those three letters might more accurately describe the way they felt about the whole thing...!). after testing was over we were pretty much done teaching for the year, but still had 5 more days of school left. how do you occupy 7th graders when they know nothing else counts towards their grade for the rest of the year? that was not fun. but we made it through, with some math-related videos i found online, and lots of yearbook signing, and a couple of assemblies and a field trip to the north carolina zoo where it poured down rain all day long. then there was finishing final grades for the year and doing report cards and packing up and cleaning out my classroom. it's officially done, and i made it! i must say, i am HAPPY not to be going back to school next year.

i left town on the last day of school and headed east, to suffolk to visit karen and her family, and to va beach to see debbie and her family. i enjoyed days of sleep, laughter, sun, water, more sleep, more laughter, etc., etc., you get the idea. :) then i headed over the chesapeake bay, up the eastern shore, and i ended up in delaware to visit nikki (on her birthday) and her family. we had about three days of catching up to do, so we did! and then down to no va to see sandi and her family and (another) debbie and her family. traveling was a good way to celebrate the end of a long school year...

on june 10 i picked up my aunt joyce (dad's sister) from the airport and she has been here with me. this is her vacation and we have been hanging out here at mirembe hollow, reading, watching movies, talking, sleeping, putting puzzles together, working in the garden, sitting on the porch...basically anything that requires little to no thought and sounds like fun to us! :) she will be here until the 24th.

so i've officially lost 40.5 lbs. and am still feeling good! i've hit the part of the process where it is simply "slow and steady wins the race." i am still having trouble drinking as much liquid as i'm supposed to (no, alcohol does not count)! so i'm trying to make a purposed effort to drink more.

well, that's about it. you're all caught up now. have a peaceful day...

update

2008-05-17T21:28:00.003-04:00

i've been on "real food" for about two weeks now. i like real food. my first meal was at olive garden. i was craving something cheesy and pasta-y. i got five meals out of that one trip!

so i can basically eat anything i want, just less of it. the focus is on protein though. eat that first, and if there's room left over, i can fill it with something else. so do you know why the focus is on protein? because if i don't get enough, my hair will fall out. yep. not like i have enough hair to lose any. so, there's my motivation!

weight wise, i plateaued, i gained a little, i lost it again, and it's going down, much more gradually. but down is good. and slowly down is good too. i'm still losing centimeters and inches. i have no hips and i have no butt. never did. and that's causing problems in that i'm constantly having to hold my pants up. once they slide off the roundest part of me (my tummy), there is nothing there to keep them up!

i was feeling like my tummy was just not getting smaller at all, but i tried on a couple of blouses and sweaters that were previously too tight, and yea, they fit! :)

so...

there are only two weeks of school left! i'm so so glad to be almost finished with the school year. so incredibly glad, that i'm pretty sure i'm not gonna do it again next year. i interviewed for the "teen living" (a.k.a. home ec) position for next year. there's NO way i'm doing math again next year. i should find out this week whether or not i got the job. and when they do offer me the job, i'll say...

follow-up

2008-05-05T20:39:00.003-04:00

i had my second follow-up visit today via phone. it went very well, as i expected it would. i got to start "real" food today, 4 days early! yipee!!! so of course i spent the day deciding what i wanted to eat for dinner tonight.

i picked olive garden, and went with two of my friends. i had two bites of salad, two small bites of breadstick, one small rigatoni (1 in. x 2 in.), and three medium shrimp. i'm happy as a clam! and stuffed, probably more than i should be, but oh, yum! of course i've got at least four more meals out of my leftovers!

still no weight change. this is why they tell us not to weigh ourselves every day. so i'm stopping. i won't weigh again until next week. my body is re-adjusting to food, and i'll give it proper nutrition in the mean time. i wasn't so good about that in my "former" life.

only three more instructional weeks of school and one "field trip, etc." week left! i can hardly wait!!!

it's been a week since my last post...

2008-04-30T18:40:00.003-04:00

mostly because i feel there is no news...

well, not NO news, just not great news. i haven't lost any more weight since i started on "mushy" foods and i'm a little bummed about that. my clothes are still getting bigger though, so that's good. i talked to my friend suz who had similar surgery 6 years ago and she said that the same thing happened to her. since i've started back on real food (not just liquids), my body is still getting used to how much food it will be getting and my metabolism is adjusting. once it realizes that this is the way things are gonna be now, it will accept it, and then start dropping weight again. yea!

meanwhile, i will focus on my non-weight related successes! more clothes in the "give-away" pile.

32 pounds and counting!

2008-04-23T19:12:00.003-04:00

well, i can hardly believe it, but i am practically 1/3 of the way to my goal weight and it's only been 5 weeks! it seems unreal. in an amazingly good way. i know that there's still a ways to go. i'm up for it!

i got to start my soft-food stage today...two days early! yea! i had egg salad and chicken salad for dinner. of course they were "finely mushed". there are so many more options now! :)

i think i can safely say

2008-04-22T20:38:00.003-04:00

that winter is over.

i told someone this weekend that this blog was only about my surgery, and my healing. but i think i lied. i think it's more.

if i invited you here, and you chose to come, or if you've stumbled across this page of words and you keep reading, then it might be because you want to know me.

my style is unedited.

it's nice to see you here.

i made it through another winter. some of you know how hard this can be. i love the way books or movies, or sometimes a song, or just a line from a song can touch me. i just watched a quirky movie - dedication - and it touched me. i was about a very broken person, and a close friendship, a death, a winter, a cemetery, and a love.

i'm still waiting for that last one.
my love.

i've had my friendships.

and the past several years have been years of death.
mom. aunt ruth. dad. aunt margie. grandma.

the winters have been long. cold. dry. painful.

the cemetery is arlington, where the tombstones line up in perfect rows like trees in an orchard. but trees are alive. cemeteries are dead. cold. snowy. icy. sad. my heart breaks all over again when i go there, so i can't afford to go often. my heart, i've discovered, is still healing.

i want this to be my year. my year for physical healing. my year for emotional healing.
my year for love.

i don't want to be broken any more.

doing well

2008-04-21T18:42:00.003-04:00

i had my follow-up appointment with my surgeon up in reston today. he said i'm doing extremely well. he's really proud of the progress i've made. my incisions are healing beautifully (don't worry, i won't make you look!). he gave me pictures of my surgery. don't worry, i won't make you look at those either! so i'm feeling incredibly great! i get to start eating "mushy" food this week and i'm psyched about that. this will be when i really find out what my "limits" are as far as how much i can eat. i need to be careful not to eat too much...that's what makes some people sick. so this next phase will be about me really listening to my body and stopping when it's full without taking another bite! i can do this!

i went to my old church yesterday and that was great. it was like going home, seeing so many of my friends. then went downtown and out with a couple of friends last night. i discovered that my "new" stomach is still going to let me have a drink every now and then, and i must say, i was happy about that too. :) that's not always the case after this surgery! of course, since there isn't much room, i certainly don't have to worry about too much alcohol!

i made it back to madison heights by 6:00 tonight. as good as it was to be back "north" hanging out with my friends, it's good to be home. back to school tomorrow...only six weeks left! :)

i'm smiling again today...

2008-04-19T21:39:00.002-04:00

feeling good. my total is 27 lbs., and it feels good!

i'm back up in no. va. this weekend, hanging with my friend debbie. today was decadently lazy, sleeping till 10:30 and then hanging at starbucks for an hour nursing a tall mocha. it's never taken me so long to drink such a small coffee before! :) i love it though... then we went shoe shopping...what girl doesn't love that?

i hit a lull around 5:30 and thought i needed a nap. i drank a protein shake, and that pepped me right back up again. i've had no pain meds since thursday and i'm doing great. i see the doc for my post-op follow up on monday (that's really why i'm up here) and i expect a glowing report! he will certainly be getting one from me!

i'm going back to my "home" church, gateway community church, tomorrow morning. no one knows i'm coming...it's a surprise! i'm so excited! :) i have so many friends there...it will be so fun to be there!

life is good. my life is good, because God is good! and it just keeps gettin' better!

okay, today kicked my butt.

2008-04-16T16:33:00.004-04:00

it actually started yesterday afternoon.

you see, the pain meds i'm on have been known to "stop you up" after a while. that's not been a problem for me before, but this time, it had been about 5 days and i thought i better do something about it. the doc recommended milk of magnesia for it's mildness, so after i got home from school, i had a gulp. well... about an hour later i had the extreme opposite problem, and that lasted pretty much all night long and part way through today. not so fun with a classroom full of kids. needless to say, i'm feeling that all of my insides are cleaned out - what a way to detox!

so somewhere in the middle of last night's drama, i decided that i didn't need any more pain meds, i could "handle" the "discomfort", as it wasn't really "pain". just before lunchtime today, i came to my senses, popped another dose of meds, and felt much better for the remainder of the afternoon. i'm home now, but completely exhausted. and ready for another dose of meds. i always tell my friends, "your body can't spend it's energy healing your incisions when it's fighting pain. take the meds! there's a reason they gave them to you!" so i'm gonna take my own advice.

and then, i'm going to bed!

school today went just fine...no problems at all!

2008-04-15T16:11:00.003-04:00

i took pain meds in the morning, but didn't need to take any more throughout the day, so that was good. it's good to be home, resting, but that's usually the case, regardless of having had surgery! :)

i'm officially down 24 lbs! woo hoo!

i'm three days out of surgery

2008-04-14T12:09:00.003-04:00

i decided to take today off since i didn't know how i'd be feeling, so i'm home.

i switched to a lower dose of pain meds this morning when i woke up. i didn't wake up as much in the night, and the pain was less severe. i'm still feeling really good! i anticipate that i'll be using just tylenol for pain tomorrow.

i've officially lost 20 lbs. i weighed 264 at my pre-op appointment on march 10th and today i weigh 244. sue, at dr. pinnar's office, took measurements of me at my pre-op, and i'll be seeing her next monday, april 21, for my post-op. i anticipate that she will measure me again, and i'm really eager to see those results! how my clothes fit is a much truer measure of progress than any scale!

i was able to start back on protein drinks yesterday. of course, they are much smaller than before! this helps to ensure that i get the proper nutrition i need.

it's saturday night and i'm back home already!

2008-04-12T20:08:00.004-04:00

surgery was friday morning, about 11am. the docs said i did really well. they said that my low carb/high protein liquid diet did exactly what it was supposed to, and shrunk my liver down nice and small so they had plenty of room to work. i got up to my room around 2pm and nana, my wonderful nurse, got me settled in with pain meds. i took a little nap and then got up for a walk down the halls. i was, and still am, amazed that i am not in more pain than i am.

i did quite a bit of walking today (they say it's really good for me). i was feeling so good that suzanne and i went to trader joe's to get some yummy soups for these next two weeks of liquids. then we stopped at target and got my scrips filled. and then we headed right on back down to lynchburg! i was home by 7pm. i took my pain meds, and i'm obviously feeling well enough to be hanging out, typing away on the computer!

thanks so much for all of your prayers...i am confident that is the reason i am feeling SO AMAZINGLY well! i don't look like i just had surgery. i'm able to walk at a normal pace. i've been able to drink plenty of liquids which is often very difficult during the first 2-3 days. God is orchestrating an amazing healing in my life and i'm so thankful and excited!

it's thursday evening before surgery!!!

2008-04-10T18:39:00.003-04:00

everything at school is ready for my sub tomorrow and monday. the teachers on my team sent me off for surgery with well-wishes for a speedy recovery and a thoughtful gift card. it's nice to know that i've made friends at my new school this year!

i have lots of folks praying for me...thank you!!!

i'm so excited. surgery is at 10:30 tomorrow morning...

i'm ready!

surgery is six days away

2008-04-05T10:57:00.004-04:00

i started my liquid, pre-op diet yesterday. i can have any liquids as long as i keep my carb intake at less than 50 grams, and my protein intake at more than 60 grams. the nurse said this would be the "hardest week of my life." i kindof blew it off, knowing that i can do this. i'm quite determined when i set my mind to it. so i found protein powder at gnc that has zero carbs and 50 gm of protein! yea! i got one in vanilla, and one in peach mango. from what i've read, one of the hardest things about this liquid stage is "taste fatigue." but i can still have my coffee, so how bad can it be, right?

so, i find myself excited about the surgery. excited about letting go of this clutter, this weight, this unhealthiness in my life. i'm excited, but the excitement doesn't make it easy. i'm ready to do this. i'm looking forward to doing this. i'm trying to prepare for the hard parts of doing this so i can be successful.

have you ever noticed how in your life there are things that are unhealthy? sometimes they are habits, sometimes weight, sometimes people. and even though you can rationally explain all of the reasons why you allow these unhealthy things, you know that they need to be removed from your life, but you still can't quite let go. there's a comfort in keeping things the way they are, or have always been. you know what to expect that way.

so, i'm going to let go of the comfort of knowing what to expect. this is my adventure. out with the unhealthy, in with the healthy. this is my season...

2008-03-05T20:49:00.004-05:00

it's really going to happen... yes, today it seemed real!

i told a couple of friends i'd write about my lap-band experience, and here i am, as advertised.

it started back in december when i went to see my back surgeon. i'd experienced several months of physical therapy, lots of tests, and medicine to make it all bearable. the diagnosis is degenerative disc disease and the tests determined that the discs in my lumbar spine are shot. so surgery seemed inevitable, with fusion likely. dr. subach said he'd like to keep me "comfortable" with p.t. and meds for as long as possible since fusion is so permanent and i'm so young.

young. *smile*
i'm not old, but i look so much younger than my 41 years that middle-aged women still call me "dear".
(what exactly is middle-age?).

i know i've digressed. it's my story. i'm allowed!

anyway, prolonging the inevitable seemed to be the best solution, with hopes of fda-approved artificial discs coming out before the pain in my back demanded fusion. so i went for a visit to the good doctor (and his p.a.). these guys always make me smile. as we were chatting, i think i asked his professional opinion about weight-reduction surgery. i have three dear friends who've had such great results, and i'm so tired of losing weight, feeling good, (okay, not tired about that part, actually, but tired of) gaining it all back again, and feeling achy and "old".

the good doctor said, "i know a guy." as it happens, the guy he wholeheartedly recommends had the honor of removing my nasty gallbladder about four years ago! i took it as a sign. well, the docs are up in northern va, and i'm in southern va. i decided to stay with the best and called to make an appointment with dr. robert pinnar.

the consultation was positive, and i left with a little pile of things to read, tests to have done, etc., as i considered the possibilities. i told my family and friends that i was getting a new body for christmas this year, but it just hadn't come in yet! after phone calls to the insurance company, denial from the insurance company, more phone calls (they aren't covering, but i know it's still the right thing for me), lots of prayers and loans from two dear friends, i called to schedule my surgery.

my pre-op appointment is monday, march 10. today i had all of my tests done in preparation for that appointment. my morning started with a "barium swallow test" where i had to drink nasty, goopy, lumpy, chalky liquid while they took pictures of it coursing through my system. the gag reflex is strong, but i was stronger. with the morning off from school (thanks, amanda, for subbing for me), i swung by starbucks on the way to my next appointment. there, they did an ekg and took four tubes of blood.

the pre-op tests are done. the results will be delivered to dr. pinnar's office in time for my monday morning appointment (thanks, dee, for subbing for me monday!) and then it's only one more month until...

...april 11

that's the day of surgery, but it's not the day the ("new me"? no. i won't be new, thought there are elements of that. how about "former me"? no. there are elements of that too, but that's just not it. oh, i know...), that's the day the "healthy me!" gets a super boost! yes, the healing has already begun! so april 11 is not the beginning, it's just the shot of adrenaline that will help me keep moving in a positive, healthy direction!

i'm excited! it's actually going to happen! i got a healthy body for christmas, and they're about to deliver it!

five years later...

2008-01-28T23:55:00.001-05:00

and i'm still here.

when i began this blog, it was to help me get through the long, blank days that kept on going after my mother died. it was alarming how i could just sit and stare and the walls for hours, doing absolutely nothing else. i could pass entire weekends that way. and writing was what kept me sane, when i could actually do it.

so it's been five years. here i am, back in the world of typing out my thoughts for anyone to see. in 5 minutes, it will be the one-year anniversary of my father's death.

it affected me much differently than my mother's did. mom and i were close. so close. we were so much more friend and friend than mother and daughter, although that is a bond closer than any other. and when i became her caregiver, our relationship grew in a whole new direction. she needed me. she relied on me. i did for her, as an adult, what she did for me as a baby. cancer ate her body from the inside, out. it was terrible. but when she died, she did so with grace and with peace. that probably sounds weird, but it's the honest truth.

after mom died, i stopped. just stopped. stopped living. stopped doing. stopped dreaming.

i was allowed, for a season, to live in a world where i stopped, but the world kept on going around me.

and bit-by-bit, i started living again. God brought purposes to my life. not big purposes. little purposes. bite-sized ones. things i could do without too much pain or effort. things i could succeed in. those purposes were closely related to people, and they were a critical part of re-discovering myself.

one of the people who had always been in my life, who had allowed me to stop so i could heal, who understood how much it hurt, was my papa. and who would have guessed that this man who had known me every second of my life would become such an important part of it?

how many girls get to be grown-up friends with their daddies? not very many, i think. i was one of the lucky ones. would i have had this blessing, this treat, if my mom were still alive? probably not. i told papa once that the one and only blessing i could think of that came out of mom's death was that he and i got to be friends.

i miss him.

one year ago, january 29th, i was on the road between kampala and kabale, uganda when i got a phone call saying that he died. he had a seizure. it was unexpected. he was healthy. he was only 70 years old. and just like that, he was gone.

my last words to him, as i was leaving for the airport for a two-week missions trip, were, "i love you, papa!" he smiled at me, and said, "mmm, i love you too."

i hope to share some stories of the adventures papa and i had during those five years after mom went to heaven. right now, my abba is with his Abba, and i have to believe that i've got two daddies looking down, taking care of their little girl.

ehiphany

2003-05-05T12:58:00.001-04:00

a sudden intuitive leap of understanding especially through an ordinary but striking occurrence.

i'm a back-row girl. unless it's a concert of my favorite band, i'm most comfortable in the back row. there are more distractions there. life is more interesting in the back row. and that's precisely where i had my first epiphany. i was sitting in the back corner at church on a sunday morning. many times mothers of babies or young children sat in our corner. i'd been restless on the inisde for several weeks. uneasy. fidgety and tired. i have no idea what the sermon was about...God was speaking directly to me...and it wasn't through the pastor. a mother was holding her baby. trying her best to keep him quiet. but he was restless. uneasy. fidgety and tired. she cradled him in her arms. she rocked him back and forth. she tried so hard to comfort him and it was like he was fighting against it. as an adult, looking at the interaction between parent and child, i thought to myself, "oh, you're so tired and your mama is trying so hard to comfort you. just lay your head on her shoulder. stop fighting. she's safe. rest in her love." and God said to me, "exactly."

"throw away the lights, the definitions and say of what you see in the dark"

2003-05-05T12:51:00.002-04:00

there's something here about who a person REALLY is, in their soul. because that's where there are no lights, and the only definitions are the ones that other people see. maybe that's why we try so hard to explain ourselves - to be understood - because we want to be reassured that who we are perceived to be is who we really are. who am i really? who do i see in the dark? maybe there's something here too about not seeing. about loss of sight. about using our other senses, like listening, to be the autohrs of definition...to be the tools with which we record what we do not see, but come to know of a person. i want to be defined by the sound of my voice, the depth of my laughter, the taste of my tears, the smell of my skin, the warmth of my embrace, the gentleness of my touch, the passion in my voice.... don't tell me who i am when you look at me, tell me instead who i am after you've experienced me. when my soul has touched your soul, then you can say you know me. and knowing is growing. you can't read me once and claim to know me. rather, stick with me and re-read me. grow with me through change, and then you can say you know me. i ask you to see me, not with your eyes, and i will do the same for you.

snow

2003-02-19T02:36:00.001-05:00

someone suggested that we take the total snowfalls for the entire area and average them to get the total accumulation of the snowstorm. i think that's a good idea. anyway, this storm ended up ranking 5th largest. it would have been higher than that if it hadn't switched to sleet. we walked to hollywood video on friday night and rented a few movies. they were out of just about everything new...but there's lots of good, old stuff out there. there were about 4" on saturday night. we took our digital cameras and took some cool pix of the snow at night. amazing...

then snow, snow and more snow! is there anything more beautiful? we just watched it pile up on the back patio. it got all the way up to the picnic table benches. probably about 18" by the time it was all said and done. it's been a quiet weekend. stayed up late. slept in late. a holiday weekend that stretches into the week. vacation by God. landscape by God. peace by God. ...thank you, God.

peaceful...

2003-02-13T00:55:00.001-05:00

that's the best way to describe it. the wind enveloped us, and it was indeed cold. but even with blustery wind, there was snow on the ground and the sun shining in a blue blue sky. my family met today at arlington national cemetery. and it was very peaceful. today would have been mom's 61st birthday, and we wanted to spend it remembering her. celebrating her. celebrating who we are because of her. she lived a life worth celebrating. papa read a poem. and we prayed...thanking God for giving her to us. then we went to the airport. she loved her job! she was a sales agent for continental airlines...and she was good at it. she passed her smiles on to tired travelers. we thought it would be appropriate to remember her today at her airport...where she spent many hours, and touched others' lives. and yes, we had cake.

i will send flowers to a special friend...someone who i think might need a little bright spot in their day...in honor of my mother...her life and her love.

papa and i spent the rest of the afternoon and evening...talking... sharing...reading...scanning pictures... it's a special thing to be able to sit and share...hang out and just be...with a parent. i'm a very lucky girl. i know it. not every child is so blessed to grow into an adult and have their parents as their friends. every night of the last several months that my mom was alive, she would say to me, "God bless you, calondra." and he has. indeed he has...

books

2003-02-12T01:12:00.002-05:00

"i would try on solitude like an old favorite shirt which had hung for far too long in a quiet closet, and feel once again the comfortable cloth against my tired skin..." -- linford detweiler

i dreamt last night of back pain and hospital stays. somehow i thing the back pain part might not have been just in my dream...

i've read a good bit today and that's been encouraging. read the first ten psalms from the message. read an article on grief that someone passed on to me...not very helpful or insightful...or comforting even for that matter. that's okay, i can toss it...no harm done.

the good reading was an interview with linford detweiler of over the rhine from a couple years ago. their band is probably my favorite...as much for linford's writing as karin's voice. we share an appreciation for many of the same authors...fredrick buechner, anne lamott, c.s. lewis to name a few. i crave other people's words. there is so much beauty in language. and i find that it touches me deeply. i aspire to be such a writer.

2.10.2003

2003-02-11T01:06:00.001-05:00

i don’t understand the uneasiness. the restlessness. i don’t know what else to call it. i can’t really find words that describe it and i find the effort trying, to be almost overwhelming. like, move on to something else...get over it. i’m reminded of the quote by madeline l’engle from a house like a lotus that says, “it’s all right. you have to go all the way through your feelings before you can come out on the other side. but don’t stay where you are.... move on.” so somehow writing about my uncertain feelings is my way of working through them so i can come out on the other side.

wednesday would have been mom’s 61st birthday. we (the rest of my family) are spending part of the day together. i think we’re going to the cemetery. then to lunch, because mom liked to go out to eat. and we will have cake, because mom loved having birthday cake. whew. she’s been in heaven for just over a year now. i know she has no idea how long, because time is different up there. or maybe it simply doesn’t exist. i don’t know. some days i feel as though i’m doing quite well...in working through my feelings. and other days it seems just as new and painful. loss is a deep hurt that takes a long time to heal. because healing has to occur at so many differnt levels.

i find that music is simultaneously soothing and painful. it comforts me because it speaks to my soul. but my soul is what is wounded so it is very tender. sometimes music is just too potent. certain books are the same way.

this past weekend was an empty brain weekend. whenever someone asked me what i was thinking there was just nothing there. empty. i needed to create. i carved two rubber stamps. both flowers. a tulip, and the other i don’t know what it is. there is satisfaction in creating, but i still felt empty. it is very frustrating to need something...and try to fulfill that need...only to still feel so unfulfilled upon its completion. i know that sounds vague but i don’t know how else to explain it.

i spent a lot of time this weekend reading snippits. bits and pieces. authors that were familiar. quotes i knew. looking for comfort there. yes, there was a bit, but i came away even more frustrated needing to do my own writing and not feeling capable or adequate. feeling inferior. i ached inside listening to the language of these writers. i’ve been touched, but not satisfied by their words.

i think i’m in the middle of about five books right now, and not really working on finishing any of them. just muddling through them in small bites. tasty, but i guess i’m not really hungry for them. because when you get hungry for an author, you can’t stop reading. its like it just possesses you. maybe my soul is looking to be possessed by some inspiration and finding the current list of reads lacking. picked up part of eugene peterson’s the message yesterday. i’m thinking that its probably the inspiration my soul is longing for and that’s why everything else seems void. i need to turn to the scripture to be satisfied. to read God’s words. to look there for comfort. i say he is all i really need. i believe it, but i desperately want to feel it. i want to feel it. please God, touch me.

i want to read more. i want to write more. i want to create with a sense of purpose. why is it that these things that are so necessary are so difficult? it’s like trying to breathe under water. you can see the surface. you can even stick your fingers out of the water. you just can’t quite seem to get there and breathe. maybe i’m just not trying hard enough. maybe i just don’t want it bad enough. maybe. whatever.

just write. don’t talk when writing will do.