update

i've been on "real food" for about two weeks now. i like real food. my first meal was at olive garden. i was craving something cheesy and pasta-y. i got five meals out of that one trip!

so i can basically eat anything i want, just less of it. the focus is on protein though. eat that first, and if there's room left over, i can fill it with something else. so do you know why the focus is on protein? because if i don't get enough, my hair will fall out. yep. not like i have enough hair to lose any. so, there's my motivation!

weight wise, i plateaued, i gained a little, i lost it again, and it's going down, much more gradually. but down is good. and slowly down is good too. i'm still losing centimeters and inches. i have no hips and i have no butt. never did. and that's causing problems in that i'm constantly having to hold my pants up. once they slide off the roundest part of me (my tummy), there is nothing there to keep them up!

i was feeling like my tummy was just not getting smaller at all, but i tried on a couple of blouses and sweaters that were previously too tight, and yea, they fit! :)

so...

there are only two weeks of school left! i'm so so glad to be almost finished with the school year. so incredibly glad, that i'm pretty sure i'm not gonna do it again next year. i interviewed for the "teen living" (a.k.a. home ec) position for next year. there's NO way i'm doing math again next year. i should find out this week whether or not i got the job. and when they do offer me the job, i'll say...

follow-up

i had my second follow-up visit today via phone. it went very well, as i expected it would. i got to start "real" food today, 4 days early! yipee!!! so of course i spent the day deciding what i wanted to eat for dinner tonight.

i picked olive garden, and went with two of my friends. i had two bites of salad, two small bites of breadstick, one small rigatoni (1 in. x 2 in.), and three medium shrimp. i'm happy as a clam! and stuffed, probably more than i should be, but oh, yum! of course i've got at least four more meals out of my leftovers!

still no weight change. this is why they tell us not to weigh ourselves every day. so i'm stopping. i won't weigh again until next week. my body is re-adjusting to food, and i'll give it proper nutrition in the mean time. i wasn't so good about that in my "former" life.

only three more instructional weeks of school and one "field trip, etc." week left! i can hardly wait!!!

it's been a week since my last post...

mostly because i feel there is no news...

well, not NO news, just not great news. i haven't lost any more weight since i started on "mushy" foods and i'm a little bummed about that. my clothes are still getting bigger though, so that's good. i talked to my friend suz who had similar surgery 6 years ago and she said that the same thing happened to her. since i've started back on real food (not just liquids), my body is still getting used to how much food it will be getting and my metabolism is adjusting. once it realizes that this is the way things are gonna be now, it will accept it, and then start dropping weight again. yea!

meanwhile, i will focus on my non-weight related successes! more clothes in the "give-away" pile.

32 pounds and counting!

well, i can hardly believe it, but i am practically 1/3 of the way to my goal weight and it's only been 5 weeks! it seems unreal. in an amazingly good way. i know that there's still a ways to go. i'm up for it!

i got to start my soft-food stage today...two days early! yea! i had egg salad and chicken salad for dinner. of course they were "finely mushed". there are so many more options now! :)

i think i can safely say

that winter is over.

i told someone this weekend that this blog was only about my surgery, and my healing. but i think i lied. i think it's more.

if i invited you here, and you chose to come, or if you've stumbled across this page of words and you keep reading, then it might be because you want to know me.

my style is unedited.

it's nice to see you here.

i made it through another winter. some of you know how hard this can be. i love the way books or movies, or sometimes a song, or just a line from a song can touch me. i just watched a quirky movie - dedication - and it touched me. i was about a very broken person, and a close friendship, a death, a winter, a cemetery, and a love.

i'm still waiting for that last one.
my love.

i've had my friendships.

and the past several years have been years of death.
mom. aunt ruth. dad. aunt margie. grandma.

the winters have been long. cold. dry. painful.

the cemetery is arlington, where the tombstones line up in perfect rows like trees in an orchard. but trees are alive. cemeteries are dead. cold. snowy. icy. sad. my heart breaks all over again when i go there, so i can't afford to go often. my heart, i've discovered, is still healing.

i want this to be my year. my year for physical healing. my year for emotional healing.
my year for love.

i don't want to be broken any more.

doing well

i had my follow-up appointment with my surgeon up in reston today. he said i'm doing extremely well. he's really proud of the progress i've made. my incisions are healing beautifully (don't worry, i won't make you look!). he gave me pictures of my surgery. don't worry, i won't make you look at those either! so i'm feeling incredibly great! i get to start eating "mushy" food this week and i'm psyched about that. this will be when i really find out what my "limits" are as far as how much i can eat. i need to be careful not to eat too much...that's what makes some people sick. so this next phase will be about me really listening to my body and stopping when it's full without taking another bite! i can do this!

i went to my old church yesterday and that was great. it was like going home, seeing so many of my friends. then went downtown and out with a couple of friends last night. i discovered that my "new" stomach is still going to let me have a drink every now and then, and i must say, i was happy about that too. :) that's not always the case after this surgery! of course, since there isn't much room, i certainly don't have to worry about too much alcohol!

i made it back to madison heights by 6:00 tonight. as good as it was to be back "north" hanging out with my friends, it's good to be home. back to school tomorrow...only six weeks left! :)

i'm smiling again today...

feeling good. my total is 27 lbs., and it feels good!

i'm back up in no. va. this weekend, hanging with my friend debbie. today was decadently lazy, sleeping till 10:30 and then hanging at starbucks for an hour nursing a tall mocha. it's never taken me so long to drink such a small coffee before! :) i love it though... then we went shoe shopping...what girl doesn't love that?

i hit a lull around 5:30 and thought i needed a nap. i drank a protein shake, and that pepped me right back up again. i've had no pain meds since thursday and i'm doing great. i see the doc for my post-op follow up on monday (that's really why i'm up here) and i expect a glowing report! he will certainly be getting one from me!

i'm going back to my "home" church, gateway community church, tomorrow morning. no one knows i'm coming...it's a surprise! i'm so excited! :) i have so many friends there...it will be so fun to be there!

life is good. my life is good, because God is good! and it just keeps gettin' better!

okay, today kicked my butt.

it actually started yesterday afternoon.

you see, the pain meds i'm on have been known to "stop you up" after a while. that's not been a problem for me before, but this time, it had been about 5 days and i thought i better do something about it. the doc recommended milk of magnesia for it's mildness, so after i got home from school, i had a gulp. well... about an hour later i had the extreme opposite problem, and that lasted pretty much all night long and part way through today. not so fun with a classroom full of kids. needless to say, i'm feeling that all of my insides are cleaned out - what a way to detox!

so somewhere in the middle of last night's drama, i decided that i didn't need any more pain meds, i could "handle" the "discomfort", as it wasn't really "pain". just before lunchtime today, i came to my senses, popped another dose of meds, and felt much better for the remainder of the afternoon. i'm home now, but completely exhausted. and ready for another dose of meds. i always tell my friends, "your body can't spend it's energy healing your incisions when it's fighting pain. take the meds! there's a reason they gave them to you!" so i'm gonna take my own advice.

and then, i'm going to bed!

school today went just fine...no problems at all!

i took pain meds in the morning, but didn't need to take any more throughout the day, so that was good. it's good to be home, resting, but that's usually the case, regardless of having had surgery! :)

i'm officially down 24 lbs! woo hoo!

i'm three days out of surgery

i decided to take today off since i didn't know how i'd be feeling, so i'm home.

i switched to a lower dose of pain meds this morning when i woke up. i didn't wake up as much in the night, and the pain was less severe. i'm still feeling really good! i anticipate that i'll be using just tylenol for pain tomorrow.

i've officially lost 20 lbs. i weighed 264 at my pre-op appointment on march 10th and today i weigh 244. sue, at dr. pinnar's office, took measurements of me at my pre-op, and i'll be seeing her next monday, april 21, for my post-op. i anticipate that she will measure me again, and i'm really eager to see those results! how my clothes fit is a much truer measure of progress than any scale!

i was able to start back on protein drinks yesterday. of course, they are much smaller than before! this helps to ensure that i get the proper nutrition i need.

it's saturday night and i'm back home already!

surgery was friday morning, about 11am. the docs said i did really well. they said that my low carb/high protein liquid diet did exactly what it was supposed to, and shrunk my liver down nice and small so they had plenty of room to work. i got up to my room around 2pm and nana, my wonderful nurse, got me settled in with pain meds. i took a little nap and then got up for a walk down the halls. i was, and still am, amazed that i am not in more pain than i am.

i did quite a bit of walking today (they say it's really good for me). i was feeling so good that suzanne and i went to trader joe's to get some yummy soups for these next two weeks of liquids. then we stopped at target and got my scrips filled. and then we headed right on back down to lynchburg! i was home by 7pm. i took my pain meds, and i'm obviously feeling well enough to be hanging out, typing away on the computer!

thanks so much for all of your prayers...i am confident that is the reason i am feeling SO AMAZINGLY well! i don't look like i just had surgery. i'm able to walk at a normal pace. i've been able to drink plenty of liquids which is often very difficult during the first 2-3 days. God is orchestrating an amazing healing in my life and i'm so thankful and excited!

it's thursday evening before surgery!!!

everything at school is ready for my sub tomorrow and monday. the teachers on my team sent me off for surgery with well-wishes for a speedy recovery and a thoughtful gift card. it's nice to know that i've made friends at my new school this year!

i have lots of folks praying for me...thank you!!!

i'm so excited. surgery is at 10:30 tomorrow morning...

i'm ready!

surgery is six days away

i started my liquid, pre-op diet yesterday. i can have any liquids as long as i keep my carb intake at less than 50 grams, and my protein intake at more than 60 grams. the nurse said this would be the "hardest week of my life." i kindof blew it off, knowing that i can do this. i'm quite determined when i set my mind to it. so i found protein powder at gnc that has zero carbs and 50 gm of protein! yea! i got one in vanilla, and one in peach mango. from what i've read, one of the hardest things about this liquid stage is "taste fatigue." but i can still have my coffee, so how bad can it be, right?

so, i find myself excited about the surgery. excited about letting go of this clutter, this weight, this unhealthiness in my life. i'm excited, but the excitement doesn't make it easy. i'm ready to do this. i'm looking forward to doing this. i'm trying to prepare for the hard parts of doing this so i can be successful.

have you ever noticed how in your life there are things that are unhealthy? sometimes they are habits, sometimes weight, sometimes people. and even though you can rationally explain all of the reasons why you allow these unhealthy things, you know that they need to be removed from your life, but you still can't quite let go. there's a comfort in keeping things the way they are, or have always been. you know what to expect that way.

so, i'm going to let go of the comfort of knowing what to expect. this is my adventure. out with the unhealthy, in with the healthy. this is my season...

it's really going to happen... yes, today it seemed real!

i told a couple of friends i'd write about my lap-band experience, and here i am, as advertised.

it started back in december when i went to see my back surgeon. i'd experienced several months of physical therapy, lots of tests, and medicine to make it all bearable. the diagnosis is degenerative disc disease and the tests determined that the discs in my lumbar spine are shot. so surgery seemed inevitable, with fusion likely. dr. subach said he'd like to keep me "comfortable" with p.t. and meds for as long as possible since fusion is so permanent and i'm so young.

young. *smile*
i'm not old, but i look so much younger than my 41 years that middle-aged women still call me "dear".
(what exactly is middle-age?).

i know i've digressed. it's my story. i'm allowed!

anyway, prolonging the inevitable seemed to be the best solution, with hopes of fda-approved artificial discs coming out before the pain in my back demanded fusion. so i went for a visit to the good doctor (and his p.a.). these guys always make me smile. as we were chatting, i think i asked his professional opinion about weight-reduction surgery. i have three dear friends who've had such great results, and i'm so tired of losing weight, feeling good, (okay, not tired about that part, actually, but tired of) gaining it all back again, and feeling achy and "old".

the good doctor said, "i know a guy." as it happens, the guy he wholeheartedly recommends had the honor of removing my nasty gallbladder about four years ago! i took it as a sign. well, the docs are up in northern va, and i'm in southern va. i decided to stay with the best and called to make an appointment with dr. robert pinnar.

the consultation was positive, and i left with a little pile of things to read, tests to have done, etc., as i considered the possibilities. i told my family and friends that i was getting a new body for christmas this year, but it just hadn't come in yet! after phone calls to the insurance company, denial from the insurance company, more phone calls (they aren't covering, but i know it's still the right thing for me), lots of prayers and loans from two dear friends, i called to schedule my surgery.

my pre-op appointment is monday, march 10. today i had all of my tests done in preparation for that appointment. my morning started with a "barium swallow test" where i had to drink nasty, goopy, lumpy, chalky liquid while they took pictures of it coursing through my system. the gag reflex is strong, but i was stronger. with the morning off from school (thanks, amanda, for subbing for me), i swung by starbucks on the way to my next appointment. there, they did an ekg and took four tubes of blood.

the pre-op tests are done. the results will be delivered to dr. pinnar's office in time for my monday morning appointment (thanks, dee, for subbing for me monday!) and then it's only one more month until...

...april 11

that's the day of surgery, but it's not the day the ("new me"? no. i won't be new, thought there are elements of that. how about "former me"? no. there are elements of that too, but that's just not it. oh, i know...), that's the day the "healthy me!" gets a super boost! yes, the healing has already begun! so april 11 is not the beginning, it's just the shot of adrenaline that will help me keep moving in a positive, healthy direction!

i'm excited! it's actually going to happen! i got a healthy body for christmas, and they're about to deliver it!

five years later...

and i'm still here.

when i began this blog, it was to help me get through the long, blank days that kept on going after my mother died. it was alarming how i could just sit and stare and the walls for hours, doing absolutely nothing else. i could pass entire weekends that way. and writing was what kept me sane, when i could actually do it.

so it's been five years. here i am, back in the world of typing out my thoughts for anyone to see. in 5 minutes, it will be the one-year anniversary of my father's death.

it affected me much differently than my mother's did. mom and i were close. so close. we were so much more friend and friend than mother and daughter, although that is a bond closer than any other. and when i became her caregiver, our relationship grew in a whole new direction. she needed me. she relied on me. i did for her, as an adult, what she did for me as a baby. cancer ate her body from the inside, out. it was terrible. but when she died, she did so with grace and with peace. that probably sounds weird, but it's the honest truth.

after mom died, i stopped. just stopped. stopped living. stopped doing. stopped dreaming.

i was allowed, for a season, to live in a world where i stopped, but the world kept on going around me.

and bit-by-bit, i started living again. God brought purposes to my life. not big purposes. little purposes. bite-sized ones. things i could do without too much pain or effort. things i could succeed in. those purposes were closely related to people, and they were a critical part of re-discovering myself.

one of the people who had always been in my life, who had allowed me to stop so i could heal, who understood how much it hurt, was my papa. and who would have guessed that this man who had known me every second of my life would become such an important part of it?

how many girls get to be grown-up friends with their daddies? not very many, i think. i was one of the lucky ones. would i have had this blessing, this treat, if my mom were still alive? probably not. i told papa once that the one and only blessing i could think of that came out of mom's death was that he and i got to be friends.

i miss him.

one year ago, january 29th, i was on the road between kampala and kabale, uganda when i got a phone call saying that he died. he had a seizure. it was unexpected. he was healthy. he was only 70 years old. and just like that, he was gone.

my last words to him, as i was leaving for the airport for a two-week missions trip, were, "i love you, papa!" he smiled at me, and said, "mmm, i love you too."

i hope to share some stories of the adventures papa and i had during those five years after mom went to heaven. right now, my abba is with his Abba, and i have to believe that i've got two daddies looking down, taking care of their little girl.

ehiphany

a sudden intuitive leap of understanding especially through an ordinary but striking occurrence.

i'm a back-row girl. unless it's a concert of my favorite band, i'm most comfortable in the back row. there are more distractions there. life is more interesting in the back row. and that's precisely where i had my first epiphany. i was sitting in the back corner at church on a sunday morning. many times mothers of babies or young children sat in our corner. i'd been restless on the inisde for several weeks. uneasy. fidgety and tired. i have no idea what the sermon was about...God was speaking directly to me...and it wasn't through the pastor. a mother was holding her baby. trying her best to keep him quiet. but he was restless. uneasy. fidgety and tired. she cradled him in her arms. she rocked him back and forth. she tried so hard to comfort him and it was like he was fighting against it. as an adult, looking at the interaction between parent and child, i thought to myself, "oh, you're so tired and your mama is trying so hard to comfort you. just lay your head on her shoulder. stop fighting. she's safe. rest in her love." and God said to me, "exactly."

"throw away the lights, the definitions and say of what you see in the dark"

there's something here about who a person REALLY is, in their soul. because that's where there are no lights, and the only definitions are the ones that other people see. maybe that's why we try so hard to explain ourselves - to be understood - because we want to be reassured that who we are perceived to be is who we really are. who am i really? who do i see in the dark? maybe there's something here too about not seeing. about loss of sight. about using our other senses, like listening, to be the autohrs of definition...to be the tools with which we record what we do not see, but come to know of a person. i want to be defined by the sound of my voice, the depth of my laughter, the taste of my tears, the smell of my skin, the warmth of my embrace, the gentleness of my touch, the passion in my voice.... don't tell me who i am when you look at me, tell me instead who i am after you've experienced me. when my soul has touched your soul, then you can say you know me. and knowing is growing. you can't read me once and claim to know me. rather, stick with me and re-read me. grow with me through change, and then you can say you know me. i ask you to see me, not with your eyes, and i will do the same for you.

***snow***

someone suggested that we take the total snowfalls for the entire area and average them to get the total accumulation of the snowstorm. i think that's a good idea. anyway, this storm ended up ranking 5th largest. it would have been higher than that if it hadn't switched to sleet. we walked to hollywood video on friday night and rented a few movies. they were out of just about everything new...but there's lots of good, old stuff out there. there were about 4" on saturday night. we took our digital cameras and took some cool pix of the snow at night. amazing...

then snow, snow and more snow! is there anything more beautiful? we just watched it pile up on the back patio. it got all the way up to the picnic table benches. probably about 18" by the time it was all said and done. it's been a quiet weekend. stayed up late. slept in late. a holiday weekend that stretches into the week. vacation by God. landscape by God. peace by God. ...thank you, God.

peaceful...

that's the best way to describe it. the wind enveloped us, and it was indeed cold. but even with blustery wind, there was snow on the ground and the sun shining in a blue blue sky. my family met today at arlington national cemetery. and it was very peaceful. today would have been mom's 61st birthday, and we wanted to spend it remembering her. celebrating her. celebrating who we are because of her. she lived a life worth celebrating. papa read a poem. and we prayed...thanking God for giving her to us. then we went to the airport. she loved her job! she was a sales agent for continental airlines...and she was good at it. she passed her smiles on to tired travelers. we thought it would be appropriate to remember her today at her airport...where she spent many hours, and touched others' lives. and yes, we had cake.

i will send flowers to a special friend...someone who i think might need a little bright spot in their day...in honor of my mother...her life and her love.

papa and i spent the rest of the afternoon and evening...talking... sharing...reading...scanning pictures... it's a special thing to be able to sit and share...hang out and just be...with a parent. i'm a very lucky girl. i know it. not every child is so blessed to grow into an adult and have their parents as their friends. every night of the last several months that my mom was alive, she would say to me, "God bless you, calondra." and he has. indeed he has...

books

"i would try on solitude like an old favorite shirt which had hung for far too long in a quiet closet, and feel once again the comfortable cloth against my tired skin..." -- linford detweiler

i dreamt last night of back pain and hospital stays. somehow i thing the back pain part might not have been just in my dream...

i've read a good bit today and that's been encouraging. read the first ten psalms from the message. read an article on grief that someone passed on to me...not very helpful or insightful...or comforting even for that matter. that's okay, i can toss it...no harm done.

the good reading was an interview with linford detweiler of over the rhine from a couple years ago. their band is probably my favorite...as much for linford's writing as karin's voice. we share an appreciation for many of the same authors...fredrick buechner, anne lamott, c.s. lewis to name a few. i crave other people's words. there is so much beauty in language. and i find that it touches me deeply. i aspire to be such a writer.