between

this is the week between. most noticeably, between christmas and new years. and i am still between jobs, and have been for quite some time now.

so last week was delightful in more ways than i can count. i love having something to look forward to! planning the christmas menu, looking up recipes online, wrapping presents, choosing silly stocking stuffers for guests that are visiting (two college guys from india stayed over on christmas eve, and Everyone at my house gets a stocking on christmas morning!). and having my friend danelis here with me to share in the planning and shopping and wrapping just made it perfect! :)

of course we spent most of the day on christmas eve baking goodies of all sorts. then we went to the christmas eve service at church, and an open house afterwards at the posey's. then in the morning it was fun to surprise the guys with stockings (chocolates, and soap and disposable razors and microwave popcorn - goofy, i know), and "santa" even left them a present under the tree. we all had a ball opening presents and watching the kids and their excitement!

keith and his family came in the afternoon and we had a yummy dinner. the kids played and played and it was a great day all around. i think i spent the whole next day sleeping!

so, i'm enjoying this week of between. i will enjoy a new year's eve celebration with my dear friend jim, as i have for the past few years. lucky for me, there is no boy to disappoint by my desertion of him for new years, as i am currently "between" in that category as well. suits me just fine, as i am still content to wait for the one and only one worth having. haven't met him yet...

a house, full

they're here! danelis and nabin and nadin and neisha have arrived at my home. they've been in india for the past several months and they are staying with me until they find a home of their own. they arrived late last night and danelis and i stayed up till the wee hours of the morning, talking and laughing and catching up. we finally forced ourselves to go to bed, knowing that we will have days and weeks of time to share.

i woke up the the pitter patter of little feet running around the upstairs of the house. of course, i rolled over and went right back to sleep. they are still adjusting to the time change - it can take a while - so they are up and wide awake well before the sun!

when nadin (age 4) was asked what he thought about the christmas tree, he responded, "there are no presents underneath." of course. at 4 years old, what is the point of having a christmas tree if there are no presents underneath? indeed.

laryngitis

its a funny word. it sounds funny when you say it. it sounds funnier when you Have it and try to Say it! :) i have no other symptoms of illness. in fact, i feel quite good...

so my friends who have been in india for the past several months are back in the states now. they will be arriving at my home late friday night and will be staying until they find a place to live. i'm so excited that they are coming. excited that we will be spending christmas together. excited to have the company and hustle and bustle in my home.

i've been getting things ready for their arrival. cleaning out some drawers for them to use, moving some furniture around (thanks for your help, tim!), and making beds. i've got kids books on the bottom bookshelf, and a big bag of stuffed animals for them to play with.

my voice has two days to heal. 'cuz when they get here, we've got almost a year of catching up to do!

birthdays

have you ever been with a friend on their birthday and had them say to you that they knew this would probably be the last birthday they ever had? two people i know had birthdays yesterday. my nephew turned nine and i doubt that the end of his life ever crossed his sweet, happy mind. and reva turned i don't even know how old, but not old at all, and she knows this will likely be her last.

the best thing about the day was the surprise snow. reva said, and i certainly believe her, that her daddy (who died in january) asked God to send reva snow for her birthday so that she would know he was thinking about her. and God said yes! yea God! thank you daddy. the best gift of all.

peaceful, calm, quiet, clean, beautiful snow. just enough to make everything white for an afternoon. enough to make one happy to be alive for one more birthday...

a different plan

yesterday morning, when i woke up on december 1, my plan for the day was to drive reva to roanoke to meet the speech pathologist to help figure out what kind of communication device was going to work best for her, as her speech is getting more and more difficult to understand.

we were supposed to leave at 9am, and neither of us were looking forward to the circumstances of the day, as they were just another glaring aspect of her a.l.s. and we would rather have been doing anything but going to see yet another doctor.

at 8:45am, the lady called and the devices didn't come in and could we reschedule the appointment for next week instead? well, there was a little bit of frustration until we decided to go to cracker barrel for breakfast instead, and then that changed the plan of the whole day. yummy comfort food in front of a great big fire place with a best friend - what's not to love?

after a lingering breakfast, and a stroll around the gift shop looking at the christmas trees and decorations and ornaments, we headed back out into the cold. the sky was clouding over, looking possibly stormy, but the heater in the car worked and we were warm. as we were driving north, crossing the james river bridge from lynchburg to madison heights, the raindrops started pinging and it was rain and sleet and then it was just sleet, bouncing off the pavement in every direction like tiny styrofoam balls with static.

we stopped at cvs to pick up a prescription for reva's mom and dropped it off at her house. then reva came with me back to my house. my christmas tree is up and lit, and i haven't found the ornament box yet, but it still looks really nice. and i had put out some other decorations that just make my cozy home feel christmas-y.

reva and i drank chocolate milk, and watched 27 dresses. she hadn't slept well the night before and she laid down on the couch to watch the movie and soon fell into a restful sleep. i paused the movie, laid my head down on the arm of my chair, and had a nap as well. when we woke up, we finished the movie and discovered we were hungry again and decided to go to our very favorite restaurant of all for indian food for dinner.

it was twilight and the clouds had rolled away and the sky was clear and you could see the remnants of the sun's rays going down over the mountains in the west. reva told me that i was her best friend and that this was one of the Best Days Ever.

the icing on the cake, for me, was the night sky on the way home - the blue-black sky with my very favorite sliver moon and venus and jupiter shining like bright stars right next to it. peaceful night. peaceful day. glimpses of grace and peace in the midst of disease.

God is good. all the time. even when i don't understand...

counting...

and realizing there are lots of blessings to count.

my tree is up.
my house is warm.
i spent thanksgiving with friends, and family.
i passed my test.

and i have so many friends, i cannot count them all.
i am blessed.

i did it!

i passed my test for my virginia real estate salespersons license!
i am So Happy!

things i'm smiling about...

its sunny and windy today and i'm sure my neighbor wishes i would rake my leaves instead of letting them blow into her yard, but oh well. (i'm not really smiling about that, but again, oh well).

nikki is coming to visit for the weekend and it's been a while since we've been able to hang out, stay up late, talk and laugh, so i'm really looking forward to having her here.

so that's it, really. not much to say. hope your day is sunshiny! :)

it's not accidental...

...the people that come into our lives. i'm more and more convinced of this. i met a new friend a couple of weeks ago...we've exchanged emails and chatted online several times. technology being what it is these days, some "online" acquaintances come and go very quickly, without ever nearing "friend" status. but this one became a friend. and now he is a face-to-face friend. and i think that God knew i was going to need this person in my life.

with my dear friend reva, who is like a sister to me, having been diagnosed with a.l.s. last week, i've been in a bit of turmoil. i think she is still in shock about the whole diagnosis. i took her up to uva this past wednesday to see doctors and therapists and for three hours we met people who basically implied, "i'm sorry, but there's really no hope. prepare for the worst." we know that means she is dying. i don't want to watch another person i love die.

before i left on wednesday morning, i had an email from my new friend and he wondered if we might meet for coffee or something that day. i popped him a quick email to let him know i'd be out of town, taking my friend with a.l.s. to uva for the day. and when i got back home, his reply was waiting. he lost a dear friend to a.l.s. so he gets it. he knows. he understands, first-hand, how i feel. and isn't that what we all want? someone to understand and empathise.

it's not accidental, the people who come into our lives...

today

my tummy hurts
and i have a kink in my neck
and my eyes are sleepy
because they wouldn't sleep last night.

tomorrow
will be better...

a.l.s.

my friend, reva, went to the neurologist at uva yesterday. he'd done some tests, and she went for the results. he asked her if she knew what a.l.s. stood for. she told him, "angel, left stationary". and they cried.

reva, truly an angel, whose body has fought against her in one way or another, all her life. it's already started. in her hands, her arms, and her throat. and it's happening fast.

i hate it. Hate It. HATE IT! what in the world? so i'm angry today. angry that God allowed this to happen to her. (don't worry, He is big enough to deal with my anger.) its just One More Thing that doesn't make sense. i'm not looking for answers. i don't need an explanation. i just need to talk about it.

i don't want to watch another person i love die in front of me.

it's nighttime

and i'm actually sleepy.
today has been filled up and overflowing.

drunk on laughter

so i'm staying here in va. beach at my friend debbie's house for a couple of days. tonight we met karen and had a "girls night out" at the movie theatre. you would think that would be the highlight of the night, but not so.

when we got home, we interrupted dave's recorded football game. poor guy. he had no idea what he was in for. i think it might have started when debbie started spinning murphy. murphy is the cat with a stub of a "happy tail". he was lying on the floor, sprawled out with legs and legs flailed out to the side, taking a little nap, as cats are inclined to do. i'm not sure if murph woke up on his own or if he had help, but next thing i knew, debbie was spinning murphy around on the hardwood floor...round and round...faster and faster. when she stopped, murphy's little head is kindof twitching back and forth, obviously because the cat is so dizzy it can't focus. we found this quite funny. and we hadn't even been drinking.

so then debbie says, "do you think that the centrifugal force of the spinning causes brain damage?" i told her i didn't know, but if she called the vet and asked him, he would probably have an opinion. and the situation went from quite funny to hilarious. we discussed filming it and sending it to afv, but decided it wasn't quite That funny. we also considered that if murphy didn't like it, he would get up and walk away. so debbie did it two or three more times. nevermind that the poor cat was so dizzy, it probably couldn't have gotten up and walked away to save it's life... what are cats good for, if not a good laugh, right?

so her husband dave is standing behind the couch, watching us and smiling. he had picked up fuzzy, the other cat, and was snuggling her patiently. lucky fuzzy. i guess cats can be good for snuggling too, occasionally. anyway, he wasn't really laughing. did i mention the patient part? yes, he was standing there patiently. waiting. "for what?" you ask. well see, when we had come in from the movie, he paused the football game. and since i am company, he politely asked us about the movie, etc., etc., making conversation and being a very amicable host. after the spinning incident got us started, he began to realize that he was Behind the couch and the remote was on the arm of the couch. juuuust out of "polite" reach. so while debbie and i are cracking ourselves up, polite dave is smiling and nodding his head, all the while wondering just how he is going to commandeer control of the living room, especially the remote, and his football game.

unfortunately for dave, debbie and i are expert mind readers, and we were on to him. and when he made a comment about the speculated, upcoming nuclear hit va. beach was likely to experience in the near future, we decided to torment him a bit longer. it wasn't intentional. it just happened. he mentioned that he would like to be here when it happens, as opposed to richmond, because then he would be incinerated, as opposed to dying a slow, painful death from the fallout effects of nuclear disaster. debbie wisely inquired, "why here or richmond, and not kansas?"

don't even get me started on kansas. have you ever driven across kansas? Longest Damn State In The Country. it looks exactly the same, no matter where you are. seriously. texas takes less time to cross than kansas. why would anyone want to go to kansas? that would be my Last choice. and then...

debbie said "shampoo". not initially funny. but it does have "poo" in it, and if you're in *that* state of mind, it doesn't take much to make one laugh. well, for some reason, when debbie started thinking about what she would want to have were she to survive a nuclear attack, the first thing that popped in her head was shampoo. not food. not water. Shampoo. dave suggested that a map to kansas might be more useful and, well, that was just too much. we're talking "laugh-so-hard-my-belly-hurts!" of course i had to remind her that if she were to survive, she would likely lose all her hair as a result of the fallout, and then what would we do with 20 cases of shampoo?

obviously, you would have to have been here. thankfully, we were. like i said, poor dave. at least he was actually laughing by the time it was all said and done. it's likely that he was just laughing at us, but either way, laughter is the best medicine. and we're drunk on it!

now, a simple quiz to test your reading comprehension...

if a cat is lying on a hard wood floor and you spin the cat really fast,
1. wouldn't it run away if it didn't like it?
2. does the centrifugal force cause the blood to rush to its head?
3. does it cause brain damage?
4. will the vet call peta on me if i call and ask him?

in the event of a nuclear attack, where would you rather be?
1. ground zero; instant incineration
2. close enough to feel the effects; then die a slow, painful death
3. kansas

in the event of a nuclear attack, what would you most like to have if you survived?
1. shampoo
2. pork and beans
3. a map to kansas

which state takes longer to drive through?
1. texas
2. kansas

capricious cali craves creativity

opalescent ocean offers oblation

wet water weakens worries

grey gulls glide gracefully

supple sand shovels splendidly

fabulous friends frolic fearlessly

giggling girls grin glowingly

sparkly smile stays swimmingly

i'm sorry, i can't make it

so on thursday, a friend canceled for coffee.
and on friday, my friend canceled her weekend visit.
and on monday, the mid-week visit was canceled.
and on tuesday, another friend canceled for coffee.
and today, my friend canceled for lunch.

i understand. really, i do. but i don't have to like it.

really big pots and racks

so when i woke up this morning and went into the kitchen to make coffee, i lifted the lid off the apple butter. it had cooled off plenty and i decided to give it another taste. my suspicion last night was that it was a bit too sweet. well, not much you can do to take sweet out of something, and honestly, can a fruit topping be "too" sweet? but the verdict stands...too sweet.

i looked at the last ten big apples i had left from my jaunt to the apple festival last saturday and decided that the best way to solve this problem was to make another batch with less sugar and then mix the two when they are done. so the second batch is in the crock pot and i anticipate that the house will start smelling all apply here in another couple of hours.

i must say that i'm very proud of myself for conquering the Finger-Severing Santuko. for those of you who know my propensity with knives, i have finally learned how to wield the beast properly! i dont think i need to be afraid of it any more, though i still have a healthy respect for it.

now, about canning. i was planning on canning the apple butter today (before i decided to make a second batch). so while i was drinking my coffee, i pulled out the better homes and gardens new cookbook to read up on the process. i've not done it before, but how hard can it be?

the cookbook talked about filling the jars and putting them in a big pot with a rack in the bottom and boiling them. well, i have a big pot. i don't have a rack. how necessary is the rack? i thought to myself that my grandma probably didn't have a special pot with a special rack just for canning. so i pulled out my grandma's cookbook to see what i could find. the first "vintage" cookbook i checked has a copyright of 1953 and it said the same thing: use a canning pot and canning rack. moving on. next cookbook has a copyright of 1963 and it said to write the u.s. department of agriculture and get their "home and garden bulletin #8: home canning of fruits and vegetables" for only 20¢. *sigh*

i've been told that i'm ingenuitive so i headed back into the kitchen and pulled out my big pot. i usually use it for making soup. it's a big pot. makes a lot of soup. now, i just need to find a rack of sorts to sit the jars on, and it must fit inside the pot. my first idea was my steaming basket. it fit in the pot and it opened up, but it didn't open all the way so it wasn't flat. i decided it wouldn't work for boiling jars. and after looking through all of my gadgets, i realized that i didn't have a second idea.

at this point, i've decided that i Do have to have a pot and a rack to do this. off to the store.

did you know that canning is a "seasonal" activity? in my mind, it's still october, and apples are still in season, and people are still making apple sauce and apple butter. but No, it is the End of canning season, which means that the stores are clearing their stock of canning supplies. the bad thing about that was that if i need more jars, i'm out of luck, because they are all sold out. and that the racks they had left were too big for my big pot. but that the big canning pot, with rack, was on Clearance! so, now i have a new pot. it's a Really Big Pot and i have no idea where i'm going to store it, but now i can can my apple butter.

so now, i just need to perfect my grandma's biscuit-making talent, 'cause there's nothing better on biscuits than apple butter!

desert rain

even the crickets have gone to sleep, but i'm awake, as i have been often at 2 a.m. these past months. much of my wakefulness has been restless, whether it has been in the daytime or the nighttime. you wouldn't have been able to tell by looking at me...the restlessness has been primarily internal.

i've spent the past 20 months journeying through the desert, figuratively. but lately, it's been different. finally, rain came to the desert.

when it first starts raining in the desert, it touches the surface. you see it. you feel it. but it doesn't go deep. still...you know it's good, and you know it was needed, and it is so good to feel something other than dust on your skin. but when the desert has been without rain for a very long time, it's skin is broken and cracked and dry. and while the rain calms the dust, it rolls off the surface. it doesn't soak in. it doesn't heal. it's just water. just water. just. water.

water might be what started it all. we take water for granted where i live. every home has a source of water for immediate use and consumption. most homes have many. sinks, tubs, toilets, spigots. yes, i included toilets. because the water there helps keep bacteria and disease away from us. we don't really think about why we need water at all.

in july i went to meet some people who were doing something amazing. a group of 17 people were taking the summer to ride their bicycles across the united states. they were doing it for blood:water mission. their goal? to increase awareness and raise money to help build 1,000 clean-water wells in africa. and by having clean water, it will help eliminate disease, hence, clean blood. that's when it started - when i went to meet these people.

when the desert is without rain, it doesn't change much. walking on the hard soil is like walking on rocks. you can hike for days and a quick wind will erase the dust of your footprints. when the ground is dry, it's not affected by you. and things will still grow, as they've acclimated themselves to that terrain. it's not unlivable.

the desert of my soul had become hard and cracked and dry. i'd lost my ability to feel much of anything. that's one of the beauties of the desert. not feeling can be welcome. not feeling can be a relief. not feeling is a way to protect yourself. from what, you ask? simple. from feeling. because when your soul is hard and cracked and dry like the desert, and you don't feel, you protect yourself from pain. from things that hurt. and who doesn't want that?

but when it rains in the desert, you start to feel. the rain washes the dust away. and slowly, very slowly, the rain stops rolling off the top and starts sinking in. do you know what happens when water and dirt mix? the shape of things starts changing, and you get mud. mud is messy. mud is dirty. mud is unpredictable. when dirt is hard and cracked and dry, you know you can stomp all over it without much of a reaction. but mud? squish. splash. ooze.

it's not a pretty thing, but it's been raining in my desert life since summer and now i'm all muddy and gooey and oozey on the inside. the rain has been sinking in and my life is changing, because i'm feeling again. high highs and low lows. the happy times are happier and the sad times are sadder. but that's the way it is in real life.

amazing the things you start to notice when you allow yourself to feel. and what i've noticed is people, and how blessed i am to have so many of them in my life. how necessary they are in my life. and how much fun it is to play, in the mud, with your friends! so the restlessness is part of the rain, the mud, the feeling. restlessness is not bad. it's part of the healing.

a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck…

what’s a girl to do with a half bushel of apples?

i went to an apple harvest festival today, and well, i just couldn’t help myself! somehow it took me back about 20-something years, to my first autumn in virginia. we moved to roanoke the summer i turned 14. i didn't know then that i'd end up living here longer than in any other state.

it was probably a saturday afternoon, and my parents took us to an apple orchard to pick apples. we spent the next several days peeling and coring apples, and mom made applesauce and apple butter...pies weren't really her thing.

so today, when i set out to spend this brisk fall saturday outdoors, i stumbled on an apple festival. like i said, i just couldn't help myself! i have great plans for these apples. plans reminiscent of my mom, and my grandma. apple butter and pies.

but that apple festival didn't take up much of the day, so my friend and i decided to drive west...towards the blue ridge parkway. we found the perfect campground, right next to a babbling brook. too bad the temperature is supposed to be 38 degrees tonight, or we just might have popped a tent and stayed! probably the best thing about the campground was the little cafe right across the brook that serves hot coffee and breakfast!

cameras in hand, we did our absolute best to capture the day. the trees have just begun to change. there were some amazing reds and yellow, and the colors will only intensify over the next couple of weeks. we drove down a road that was off the beaten path (hey, the gate was open and we didn't see a sign that said "authorized vehicles only"); we took pictures of moss and berries and leaves; we climbed big rocks.

we made a big loop...west to the parkway, south to the peaks of otter, east through beford, goode, and forest, and then north through lynchburg back to madison heights.

the apple pie came out of the oven about an hour ago. should be the perfect temperature to cut and eat.

so yeah, i'm done here for now... :)

choice

i've been sitting around lately.
trying to find projects to keep me busy.

consequently, doing a lot of thinking.
that's what happens when i'm left alone with myself.

we weren't created to be alone.
and i'm not talking about being lonely. that's not it.

i was once asked to consider the difference between solitude and alone.
and the past couple of months have taught me a lot about those two things. they're not the same, you know.

my first response, when faced with the two, was that they were the same.
i like being alone. i need solitude. it's necessary for survival.
and after a few months of mostly solitude, i've experienced the difference.

i'm solitary by nature. i do need it. it is necessary.
i have not been working, which is daily contact with others, whether you want it or not. i discovered that i have gone entire days (sometimes a couple) without talking. i laugh when i answer the telephone at 3pm and someone asks me if i just woke up because i haven't actually used my voice that day yet. i've gone days without stepping outside, because there was nowhere i needed to go or nowhere i needed to be. and given the choice to stay home or go hang out at barnes and noble with coffee and a magazine, i most always chose stay home. i enjoy solitude. it is not lonely. it is contentedly being alone.
solitude.
solitude is a choice.
solitude is the choice i usually choose.

and after months of solitude,
after months of being alone,
i realized that i had stopped choosing. alone had chosen me. and alone is not a choice.
alone is when you realize that there are not people in your daily life. it is when you realize that, even though you don't want to be constantly surrounded by people, or activity, there is a marked absence of people or activity...and you didn't choose this. when i had roommates, i wasn't alone. when i worked with other people, i wasn't alone. when i choose to be integrally involved with other people, i am not alone.

of course you know that you can be in a room full of people and be lonely. the absence of alone does not ensure the absence of loneliness. but i do think that alone is the opposite of solitude. one chooses you...the other you choose. and i think loneliness happens when alone chooses you.

i realized that somewhere along the way, i let alone choose me. because of the circumstances of my life, it happened quite easily. the people in my life that i am closest to do not live nearby. i haven't really tried to make connections with the people i know who live locally. and even though i am fortunate to have deep, amazing friendships, i've realized that i need people here, in my everyday, to do life with.

solitude is still necessary, but it is temporary.
i need people in my everyday.
it's time for me to move my life,
not just my home,
here.

and i've finally chosen to do something about it...

section 65: arlington national cemetery

this week, hbo has been airing a documentary on section 60 at arlington. this is where the soldiers from operation iraqi freedom are being buried.

it is right across the street from section 65, where my papa and mama are buried. at both of their burials, it was winter and the ground was frozen, and there was ice everywhere.

after mom died, i went to arlington relatively frequently. i would sit on the ground and sometimes talk, but mostly just be. sometimes papa and i went together. i know that he went a lot more than i did. but i went whenever i wanted to. and i seldom cried. i didn't need to, i guess. it was comforting somehow.

after papa died, i moved away. i've been back to northern virginia many times since then. i've driven past the cemetery many times. i've only gone back inside once.

in december 2006, papa said, "next year for christmas, i want to take a wreath to the cemetery and put it on sara's grave." in january 2007, he was buried with sara. in december 2007, i took two wreaths to arlington.

and i don't know if i can go back. being there, seeing the headstone, was not comforting any more. it broke my heart all over again.

the flag that covered my papa's coffin hangs on my wall...white stars on a field of blue. i miss him.