so i'm staying here in va. beach at my friend debbie's house for a couple of days. tonight we met karen and had a "girls night out" at the movie theatre. you would think that would be the highlight of the night, but not so.
when we got home, we interrupted dave's recorded football game. poor guy. he had no idea what he was in for. i think it might have started when debbie started spinning murphy. murphy is the cat with a stub of a "happy tail". he was lying on the floor, sprawled out with legs and legs flailed out to the side, taking a little nap, as cats are inclined to do. i'm not sure if murph woke up on his own or if he had help, but next thing i knew, debbie was spinning murphy around on the hardwood floor...round and round...faster and faster. when she stopped, murphy's little head is kindof twitching back and forth, obviously because the cat is so dizzy it can't focus. we found this quite funny. and we hadn't even been drinking.
so then debbie says, "do you think that the centrifugal force of the spinning causes brain damage?" i told her i didn't know, but if she called the vet and asked him, he would probably have an opinion. and the situation went from quite funny to hilarious. we discussed filming it and sending it to afv, but decided it wasn't quite That funny. we also considered that if murphy didn't like it, he would get up and walk away. so debbie did it two or three more times. nevermind that the poor cat was so dizzy, it probably couldn't have gotten up and walked away to save it's life... what are cats good for, if not a good laugh, right?
so her husband dave is standing behind the couch, watching us and smiling. he had picked up fuzzy, the other cat, and was snuggling her patiently. lucky fuzzy. i guess cats can be good for snuggling too, occasionally. anyway, he wasn't really laughing. did i mention the patient part? yes, he was standing there patiently. waiting. "for what?" you ask. well see, when we had come in from the movie, he paused the football game. and since i am company, he politely asked us about the movie, etc., etc., making conversation and being a very amicable host. after the spinning incident got us started, he began to realize that he was Behind the couch and the remote was on the arm of the couch. juuuust out of "polite" reach. so while debbie and i are cracking ourselves up, polite dave is smiling and nodding his head, all the while wondering just how he is going to commandeer control of the living room, especially the remote, and his football game.
unfortunately for dave, debbie and i are expert mind readers, and we were on to him. and when he made a comment about the speculated, upcoming nuclear hit va. beach was likely to experience in the near future, we decided to torment him a bit longer. it wasn't intentional. it just happened. he mentioned that he would like to be here when it happens, as opposed to richmond, because then he would be incinerated, as opposed to dying a slow, painful death from the fallout effects of nuclear disaster. debbie wisely inquired, "why here or richmond, and not kansas?"
don't even get me started on kansas. have you ever driven across kansas? Longest Damn State In The Country. it looks exactly the same, no matter where you are. seriously. texas takes less time to cross than kansas. why would anyone want to go to kansas? that would be my Last choice. and then...
debbie said "shampoo". not initially funny. but it does have "poo" in it, and if you're in *that* state of mind, it doesn't take much to make one laugh. well, for some reason, when debbie started thinking about what she would want to have were she to survive a nuclear attack, the first thing that popped in her head was shampoo. not food. not water. Shampoo. dave suggested that a map to kansas might be more useful and, well, that was just too much. we're talking "laugh-so-hard-my-belly-hurts!" of course i had to remind her that if she were to survive, she would likely lose all her hair as a result of the fallout, and then what would we do with 20 cases of shampoo?
obviously, you would have to have been here. thankfully, we were. like i said, poor dave. at least he was actually laughing by the time it was all said and done. it's likely that he was just laughing at us, but either way, laughter is the best medicine. and we're drunk on it!
now, a simple quiz to test your reading comprehension...
if a cat is lying on a hard wood floor and you spin the cat really fast,
1. wouldn't it run away if it didn't like it?
2. does the centrifugal force cause the blood to rush to its head?
3. does it cause brain damage?
4. will the vet call peta on me if i call and ask him?
in the event of a nuclear attack, where would you rather be?
1. ground zero; instant incineration
2. close enough to feel the effects; then die a slow, painful death
in the event of a nuclear attack, what would you most like to have if you survived?
2. pork and beans
3. a map to kansas
which state takes longer to drive through?